May 2021 - Page 2

A while ago a 16 year-old came to me for a visit. Before opening the door into the room in which we were supposed to work, she paused, as if she was checking if she was ready to talk, whether she should stay or leave. Finally, she sat down, holding onto the chair handle. It was very hard for her to talk.

She was speaking quietly and timidly. She avoided eye contact. It was as if her mind was wandering and there was a tiny silhouette dressed inappropriately warm clothes in front of me. I found it difficult to ask her: why did you come here? What’s your goal? What are you feeling? This questions seemed out of place because her body was already answering all of them.

“Can you try to find one word that describes your current state. Come up with a name for it.”

She didn’t think for long, almost as if she was ready for this question.

“Can it be two words?”

“Of course, it can be two or more”

“Forbidden love!” – she said as her eyes filled with tears.

I felt relief. I viewed these tears as a sign of trust and the beginning of the process. It must be a trauma of love. A state caused by a loss – I thought and got ready to “glance into the river”. This is my metaphor. This is how I usually view therapy process.

“Now I know what my state is called – she added. At least I have a name for it”.

I want talk more about how the therapy process went. But I think it’s important to emphasize that the main difficulty for me was still laying ahead. She talked about her feelings intermittently and with difficulty: how she was in pain, how she was in love, how she was locking this feeling somewhere, in an imaginary box. What she felt when she was looking at the object of love. Why is it forbidden?! – I thought to myself. Why would you hide it, being so much in love?! You can’t. I was thinking about all of this nonsense and tried to avoid these thoughts altogether. Her state was somewhat alike an open wound, from which blood is dripping and draining, taking your life force out, weakening you, turning you into an emptiness. On the third meeting she mentioned the name of that person. Yes, you have guessed it correctly – she was in love with a person of the same sex as hers. So what?! – you might ask. For me this was very unexpected and extremely scary information. What am I supposed to do now? What do I know about such love? Can I help? She has already mentioned it twice, that she does not want to be alive anymore, and what are my thoughts about such love? Do I think that it is forbidden love too? If I do, do I tell this hopeless girl, that I cannot help her, because I cannot imagine how you can possibly love a person of the same sex?

Who knows how many questions like this I asked myself. How many times my hand started shaking because I was scared that I would say something wrong. I almost turned into a “devil’s advocate’, until I was sure that nothing had changed in me and I still would be able to help her. When she came on the next meeting and shared her fear with me – “I thought you would not have accepted me anymore”, we worked on some deeper traumas.

This was about 12 years ago. Now this girl does not live in Georgia anymore. She’s happy, but she didn’t succeed in that in this country. Before telling you this story I asked her if I could share my first work experience with LGBTQ community members. She agreed and I dared to share this experience with you.

When I was offered to write this article, I was asked a lot of questions:

When and how does a member of the LGBTQ community learn that he or she has a different orientation or gender identity from the people around him or her? What are their thoughts at that time?

If there is a period of self-exploration and what happens during this time, what processes are going on in human consciousness? What are the signs of self-acceptance?

Why it can be difficult for a person to accept their orientation or gender identity; What are the consequences of it and how does it manifest if a person is unable to accept their gender and orientation.

Is wanting family, friends, the community to know us as members of the LGBTQI community an expression of our psychological problem or is it a need? Why do we want to come out? What age and with whom do we most often come out? Are there any studies in this regard?

I had to re-read a few things. Especially my own records, which I always write. It was a weird coincidence too, that during this reflection I came across a podcast about Tony Morrison by Salome Asatiani. I listened to it and went through my records. “If you can only be tall when others are kneeling, then you have a serious problem” – this phrase shook me as much as it did to the author of the podcast. Tony Morrison views racism as a problem of white people, just as homophobia can be seen as a problem for heterosexuals. Who knows how many times I have felt ashamed for those people who inflict such strong physical and spiritual wounds on “the other”. It’s hard to be someone who has been an outcast because of their orientation, someone that is constantly persecuted, rejected by their own family members, someone that gets disgust as a response instead of love, that people try to lock in loneliness, trying to make them disappear. The question constantly arises: Why? Who decided so? The main problem is that us, humans, don’t have enough strength to deal with a sense of superiority over another – the greatest human weakness. Who set these standards, who invented these benefits ?! Wasn’t that us?! This is just an illusion! God, what things can make a person feel so superior to others, what could that be?!

Now I want to circle back to the asked questions. How is a different orientation formed? What kind of path is that? But until that it’s very important to say that there is a phenomena of the stress of minority, that doesn’t exist on its own and is a kind of a mixture of sociological and psychological theories. Ilan H. Meyer brought those together and said that a person with a stigmatized social identity may experience the stressors associated with his or her identity as well as the stressors that each individual experiences. (I.H. Meyer 2003). Identity-related stressors that come from the environment include verbal or physical oppression, harassment, violence, denial of LGBTQ + individuals, and neglect or misrepresentation of their sexuality, family structure, or appearance. Similar attitudes may be present in the daily lives of these individuals. Nevertheless, with some effort they are able to adapt, over time these experiences accumulate and may be devastating for the individual. (I.H. Meyer 2003).

There is an even stronger stressor that exists on a personality level and is based on subjective perceptions and evaluations. Homophobic attitudes from society are often reflected in a gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender individuals’ psyche and affect their self-esteem, beliefs, and practices. Therefore, homophobic views that are widespread in society lead to self-denial and rejection (Frost 2011). This type of stress is associated with many deep psychological problems, which often lead to loss of meaning, suicidal thoughts or actions of the individual.

“I constantly feel like something is eating me on the inside. Sometimes I think that I am eating myself”

“Before someone gets to express hatred toward me, I already hate myself”

“I want to think that I am worth something”

“I feel like I’m holding a chamomile in my hand, taking out its leaves and foretelling: Loves me, Loves me not… That applies to me. Do I love myself?”

“I don’t know how to love myself when I have only been taught how to hate and reject it”

That’s why the answer to the question – “is coming-out a need or is it a manifestation of a psychological problem”, is obvious: It is about reconciling with yourself, loving yourself, and to some extent overcoming this double stress.

According to new models of personality development, LGBTQ individuals go through approximately the same stages of identity development as all of us. These models are based on the Erickson’s and Sullivan’s concepts, where the crisis at each stage of development must be overcome before the person can move on to the next stage. The authors also discuss the impact of the socialization process on the individual, where it is important that the self is developed and shaped based on interpersonal relationships and their nature.

The proposed model has 5 stages: Pre coming out, coming out, exploration, first relationships and identity integration. Before going directly to the description of these steps, we need to address a few issues: Firstly, this model does not necessarily follow all of the listed steps. A person might get stuck on one of the steps, or revert to some of the previous steps, or it might be impossible for them to reach the final step at all. However, the integration of identity, which is the highest stage, depends on the completion of the previous stages. Development for most people is usually a more chaotic, complex and fluid process, than it is described in this model. This framework is more helpful for psychotherapists to better understand what their patients experience on this difficult path. The validity of this model needs to be revised and researched again.

Pre coming out

A 2-4-year-old child already knows his or her own sexual affiliation, can distinguish between men and women (clothes, appearance, voice), preschool aged children become interested in information related to sex and gender. After 3 years of age, there is an increased interest in both one’s own and the opposite sex’s genitals, trying to show them, touch them with a hand.

If the object of identity, choice, is undoubtedly formed at an early age, it is possible that on a conscious and pre-conscious level, the child and family members already know from this stage that the child’s sexual orientation is “different”. This knowledge can have a significant impact on the child and the parent. During these early years, the child learns ethical values ​​from the family and society, internalizes the rules, and in this way, he or she learns that homosexuality is wrong, feelings towards a person of your sex means you might get rejected, and that it’s shameful, that there are norms that tell you whom to create a family with, how to live, whom to love and whom not to love. Already at this stage the child feels that he is “different”, they feel like an alien, and alone. With growth, such children develop low self-esteem. As a result, individuals protect themselves from this realization through a number of defense mechanisms: denying, repressing, or sublimating it. Fischer notes that “denial of the validity of one’s own feelings, refraining from expressing it causes pain, and returns this energy of negativity” inside… “Over the years, these small denials will have a cumulative effect.”

A person at this stage is not aware of the feelings he or she has towards people of the same sex, they cannot describe what is wrong. They feel as if they’re different as well as conflict, which often manifests itself in the form of behavioral problems, psychosomatic illnesses, or many other symptoms. At this stage, different ways of resolving the conflict are addressed. Some decide on and commit suicide, some hide their feelings of being different from themselves and others, and continue to suffer from low self-esteem and depression. A healthy solution at this stage is to face the existential crisis. Being different – “it means to overcome the barrier of protective mechanisms and acknowledge the feelings towards a person of the same sex.

Coming Out

Individuals move to this stage after acknowledging their homosexual feelings. This is the first step of the coming out process. First of all, you have to acknowledge your own thoughts, your imagination. Plummer and Lee call this step the destination. Plummer notes that “these are the first conscious or partially conscious moments when a person perceives himself as homosexual. Hencken and O’Dowd call this stage awareness, Dank calls it identification, and Grace -recognition.

Studies show that the average age at which people become aware of homosexual passions is 13 to 18 years. According to various studies this age varies between girls and boys. According to a study by Jay and Young (1979), the average age for girls is 18 and that for boys it is 13-14. According to another study, boys realize that they are gay at around 17, and girls do at the age of 15 years. However, we must not forget that everything is individual and it is impossible to determine the exact age. There is often a period when individuals are conscious of their homosexual feelings (whether or not they have engaged in them) but still do not consider themselves as belonging to this group. In short, they cannot express these feelings and talk about them.

When a person is able to identify and acknowledge their feelings, they are faced with the next challenge – to come out or to tell others about it. The purpose of this action is to start the process of self-acceptance.

Starting this process does not mean to talk about it in public. It is self-recognition and sharing with people important to you. Because of the need for external validation, individuals often run the risk of declaring their own sexual orientation, hoping that they will not be rejected. This is a very critical point, the reaction of the person with whom they are sharing matters a lot. In this case, the existential crisis is resolved in a positive direction.

Studies have shown that a positive homosexual identity is associated with healthy psychological regulation. In addition, Dank found that the frequency of feelings of guilt and loneliness, as well as the need to consult a psychiatrist and psychologist, decreases as an individual spends more time with their homosexual identity. However, no one can develop such self-concepts as “accepted” and “appreciated” on their own. The individual must take risks in order to receive recognition from others. It is important for a person to carefully choose the person with whom they will talk about their homosexuality.

However, it is never completely clear and often people cannot predict what the response of their friends, co-workers, family members will be. It is important for the first people that are chosen to accept the individual’s homosexuality. When an individual receives recognition from at least a few people, then it already becomes easier to deal the rejection.

Acceptance from a close person means more than acceptance from a stranger. Some people are reluctant to tell close (often heterosexual) friends about their orientation and seek this acceptance with their gay or lesbian friends. This may be a missed opportunity. Individuals of different sexual orientations and gender identities will gain more peace of mind and self-confidence if they are accepted by heterosexual people that are important to them.

When parents, family members find out about the sexual orientation of their child, sister, brother, it takes time for them to acknowledge it. For many homosexuals today, the chances of family members accepting this positively from the beginning are slim. However, this does not mean that they should not tell them. Each case must be studied individually. Sometimes telling parents and family members is the most successful. When a person has already received positive responses from other important people, they can easily deal with the negative responses received from the family. It is important for them to be patient and give their family members some space to process this. Parents often mourn the image of their children, the ways they thought they were living. Homosexuals need to find the strength to remember that it took them a long time to accept and acknowledge their own homosexual “self”! This can be the same with family members and parents.

Exploration

This is the stage of experimenting with a newly found sexual identity. This is the first major experience of sexual and social activities. If an individual has the opportunity to relate and talk to others about their own sexuality, if the communication is open, sincere, it is a prerequisite for the formation of a positive “self” image. Cass sees this process as the first experience in the direction of identity tolerance that leads a person to the acceptance of identity.

At this stage, people face several challenges. The first is to develop interpersonal skills. To meet and socialize with others who have similar sexual interests. When socializing with heterosexuals, individuals who have homosexual preferences may have significant problems in terms of communication skills and, therefore, integration into society.

Secondly, some people need to develop a sense of personal attractiveness and sexual competencies. By engaging in sexual intercourse, in the eyes of members of the same sex, they feel more attractive.

Third, it helps the individual a lot if they feel that their self-esteem is not based on their sexual attractiveness. Some people are “locked in” with the feeling that the only way they can be realized is through their sexual attractiveness. Many people, often lose their way to their goal when they are in their adolescent years and are experiencing adventures typical for this period. Adolescence is known for rebellious, often self-destructive behaviors.

One of the obstacles to successfully completing the exploration stage is the consumption of substances that help to alleviate pain. Often this is a risk of becoming dependent on alcohol or other substances.

In this regard, people at this stage need serious help and support, because the consumption of substances “helps” to alleviate the pain that comes from childhood, to cope with the constant pressure experienced by the environment. Drugs may also be associated with the expression of sexuality, which leads to problems in the development of intimacy.

First relationships

After exploring sexual and social experiments, the issue of intimacy needs arises, which is important. For this stage of development, it is necessary for the individual to learn how to act in a homosexual relationship, especially when the norm is something completely different -heterosexual relationships. The first relationship may even be horrible for a variety of reasons. Negative attitudes related to homosexuality can also contribute to the constant sabotage of establishing and maintaining these relationships. The following stereotype plays a special role here: “Gay and lesbian relationships are full of pain or negativity and they never last long.” Also, first relationships are characterized by intense ownership and lack of trust. The intense need for intimacy is often a cause for despair. One, or both partners are selflessly trying to maintain the relationship and make it perfect. If they try to do this independently from each other, it is interpreted as the fading of love. At the same time, these pressures and expectations lead to the loss of sexual interest, which is another “proof” that this love has “failed”. A common result is that there is a growth in interest in sexual beyond the existing relationship. This interest often becomes the ultimate proof that love is inferior and the relationship ends.

The first connections end turbulently, often so that one or both partners can move back to the exploration stage (studying this or that symptom to find a diagnosis), confident in the fact that long-term relationships never work out. Some do not even try to start a relationship again. Others continue to try.

For gay couples, there are very few role models of what a relationship should look like. There are few gay couples in books, movies and TV shows. At the same time, the aggression of the society towards such relations is quite high. Many couples lack recognition and support from friends and the community. The biggest problem in this relationship is the “self” identity crisis of only one partner. Intimate relationships often begin before the challenges of the coming-out and exploration steps are overcome.

If a couple hides their relationship from friends, family members, society, it causes a lot of tension in their relationship. If either partner fails to come out successfully, it becomes quite difficult to stay in the relationship. Some relationships end because of these pressures.

Integration

Grace calls this stage self-determination, reintegration. He describes it as an endless, ongoing process of development that lasts a lifetime. At this point, new feelings about emerge concerning the self. As people find new opportunities and concepts, new social connections emerge. Grace describes that individuals solve different tasks at different levels, depending on the circumstances. for example: Returning to the stage of exploration and experimentation after the relationship is over, returning to the coming out to talk to family members, co-workers, colleagues, friends about their orientation.

Relationships at this stage are more solid and pleasurable because the crisis of the previous stages is overcome and the relationships are free from feelings of ownership. These relationships are based on trust and freedom. Individuals are psychologically more willing to end a relationship naturally if there is a need for it. In addition, they face other challenges related to adulthood. An individual with an integrated identity has a better chance of coping with all life challenges and being able to self-realize.

In short, this is the way to integration. Unfortunately, there are many cases around us when people do not have the opportunity to go through these stages and get to the last step. You probably understand how painful this path is. It is accompanied by fear, hatred and the constant cry of “being who you want to be in your own home”, which in fact goes against a very important process for a person – self-acceptance, integration. Recently, the boundaries of “one’s own home” have been violated too and this is not a safe place for a person of different sexual orientation and identity anymore.

I have worked with all types of trauma, but for the first time now, I see what dread is – it is tremendously strong fear mixed with spiritual suffering. Nor have I ever heard from anyone such a desperate, heartbroken cry that throws you into terrible helplessness, and you once again realize that the problem of these people is connected to us too. We need to change and become better.

Author – Maia Tsiramua, psychotherapist, writer

Homophobic bullying in schools – beyond the statistics.

Why should we talk about bullying?

Before starting to write this article, I listened to several public speeches on the matter. I don’t think that one can talk about homophobic bullying by just hearing about it. Or just any type of bullying in general. One has to experience bullying on their own, see it with their own eyes, feel it in their heart and body. Otherwise, it will just be an “issue”, the bully and the victim will be just statistics, and the rest of us – spectators. One of the major disadvantages of anti-bullying strategies is exactly the fact that they are written by people who have never been bullied. Even the solutions they offer are programmed-political, only from the point of view of adults, ignoring the usual behaviors of teens and children and disregarding systematic challenges.

Below I will talk about a strictly academic description of bullying. However, before that, please imagine that you are going to a place that’s important to you, to people that are important to you, while you still don’t have any emotional, hormonal, physical or mental stability. You are going to school, a closed system, in which there are strictly written rules about being liked, establishing yourself, popularity and exclusion. Those rules for you are the most important thing in the world at that moment. Peers are the driving force behind your existence, and relationships with them are the main tool of self-awareness. Meanwhile, things are not sorted out at home yet, you are still not accepted and in reality you don’t even know if you are ready to accept yourself. You just have this feeling that you love in a different way, look differently from others, and, shortly, things are not going according to what media, family stories or others’ experiences have shown it should be like. At this time, you are being laughed at, people avoid sitting next to you, hit you, write mean comments about you on social media, do not add you to group chats, beat you after school, spread rumors about you, and humiliate you in front of everyone, and you have done nothing to deserve this (or even what is there to do that would deserve this), you are just yourself, that’s all. This closed system does not accept you, because, who you are, is a threat to the existence and stability of the system. As a solution you are offered to 1. Become stronger and protect yourself (Somehow. Just like that, one day you just wake up, escape that vulnerable position that you never chose and, voila, become strong). 2. Talk to an adult. An adult, who is not free from homophobic sentiments themselves, and even if they were, they would not be able to protect you anyway.

This is exactly why in the LGBTQ community, especially in younger generations, the suicide rate is quite high – for example, in the US, the suicide rate of LGBT teens is three times as high as the rate of heterosexual teens. [1]

The problem of homophobic bullying has been the subject of much research. For instance, one research conducted in Spain has revealed that those students that are not identified as heterosexual, compared to their peer, are subject to more bullying and cyber-bullying. According to this research, the reason for increased aggression and 20% more cyber-bullying was their sexual identity [2]. According to the research conducted in Georgia in 2020, 28,6% of respondents talked about bullying on the basis of gender expression, since a significant cause of violence against students was based on socialization that is masculine or feminine in nature – “a boy should be manly and girls should be feminine, otherwise, they will be oppressed” [3]. A research on bullying in schools done in 2015 revealed that teenagers are often bullied for their religious, gender and sexual identities. The research found that during particular years of school, mostly in the 7^th to 9^th grades, many of the students participate in bullying [4].

I can present a whole list of international and local researches on this subject, however, I think we are past trying to prove this point. We are past that stage in which to convey the problem of homophobic bullying we needed surveys, in-depth interviews, correlations and regression analyses. We are past that stage in which we cited: “Recently underage suicide rates have increased significantly… It is clearly stated in the recommendations of convention of the children’s rights that the main reason for underage suicide is particularly abuse toward them, which includes bullying at school.” [5] We are past this, because this does not need to be proven anymore. Of course homophobic bullying is painful, and of course it hurts both the bully and the victim, and of course adolescents are disturbed by this. Some adolescents are unable to deal with so much and sometimes they prefer to not exist anymore. Of course this leaves inerasable, traumatic trace in the psyche of the adolescent. Imagine, if you were abused so frequently, so systematically and so viciously, and you had zero ways to defend yourself, how would you feel?

There is no need to repeat for the thousandth time that schools are not ready to manage homophobic bullying (or any type of bullying), do not put any effort into it or whatever they do is wrong. This is also supported by lots of researches. I think it’s about time for us to stop viewing the issue of homophobic bullying as a separate theory. Instead, we should take responsibility to help those adolescents and children that are in pain. It might sound pathetic, but “it’s not worth the tears of that one tortured child” [6].

What is bullying [7]

Definition

Bullying is defined as unwanted, aggressive behavior at school that causes both the bully and the victim to have serious, long-term problems.

For a behavior to be considered bullying, the following two principles should be fulfilled:

1.     Unequal redistribution of power – children that bully others have more power. For example, they are physically stronger, know other’s secret’ are more popular and accepted, etc. The power balance is not permanent and it shifts, so do the roles of the bully and the victim and as a result, putting effort into maintaining power is an everyday part of a school life. For example, in a heteronormative society, person that is perceived as heterosexual has more power and privileges (is accepted in their family, society, etc.), compared to homosexual and a person who is perceived as a gender non-conformist (viewed as sinful, ill, filthy, etc.)

2.     Repetition: aggressive behavior repeats more than once, or has the potential to be repeated.

Types of bullying

Bullying can be:

Verbal – making fun of, threatening.

Social – ignoring, excluding from group, spreading rumors, public humiliation.

Physical – hitting, spitting, pushing, destroying possessions.

Parties involved in bullying

Here we can distinguish between children that are directly involved in bullying and so-called spectators.

People directly involved are:

the abuser – the person that bullies the other. This is a child that engages in aggressive behaviors

directed at their peers (abusing people of other ages is not bullying anymore, it is a different type of abuse). There is usually a whole range of risk factors that push a child / adolescent to bully their peers;

 A victim that is being abused – in our case it’s a child/adolescent that is being attacked for their sexual and gender identity.

If a child is not directly involved in bullying, then they might be passively strengthening or weakening the bullying process. That’s why it is important for children to know what to do when they see bullying. Other people involved are:

A helper: they don’t start picking on other kids, but they are the helpers of leader bullies. And sometimes they bully others on their own.

Interested spectator – this is the whole audience that urges the aggressive behavior by commenting on, laughing and looking at it.

Neutral spectators – people that don’t get involved in bullying. They don’t support or oppose it. Nevertheless, “status quo” audience is still an audience, and research has shown that audience urges the bully to demonstrate their power.

Protectors: children who actively try to stop bullies, defend the victims.

Where can bullying take place?

The answer is easy – everywhere. If bullying is officially detested at school then the bully will try to find a victim in less noticeable places – bathroom, school yard, space under the stares. If the bully needs audience, then it might be a hallway or a classroom. If they need even a bigger audience – then cyber-bullying might take place, bullying in a digital space, or exclusion. Cyber-bullying involves attacking people on social media, purposefully excluding people from particular events or groups, spreading information, and it might be just as painful as humiliation that takes place in a non-virtual space. I am lucky that bullying directed at me was just bruises from being shot with a toy gun instead of publicly posted screenshots.

Homophobic Bullying

Everything described above concerns all types of bullying, including homophobic. A victim of homophobic bullying might be anyone who: (1) confides in their friend about their sexuality and gender identity, who will spread this information without their consent. Such acts are bullying since the place the child/adolescent in a vulnerable position. It is also possible for this information to be accidentally leaked, which further aggravates the victim’s position. (2)  for various reasons, people around thought that they were lesbian, gay, or transgender. At the same time, in particular, the position of this child/adolescent in researching/determining his/her own sexuality or gender identity is less important for the bully. (3) Is a friend, family member or a supporter of someone that is openly non-heterosexual.

What can we do?

Maybe the main question that we get after all of this is the following: what do we do? It is obvious that systematic changes are still far away and we can’t only rely on those. Of course, it is important to consider the recommendations that experts give us, however, until we can get there, what can we do right now? What do we do if having an earring, colorful hair, even slightest of non-conforming behavior causes the children to experience a great deal of moral and physical pain?

Let’s start with the bully. Why do they do this? To establish themselves, to appear cool, so that their privileges bring them a certain social status, a benefit. It is easy move forward by humiliating others. If we are lucky enough to have a chance to change a person’s life for the better; if we find ourselves as a teacher, Bailiff, principal, class tutor, psychologist, guest expert, trainer, activist that is trying to change the system – we are given the chance to show the abuser that there are healthier ways to establish oneself, express aggression and to be competitive. It is not natural to lock up so many pupils of the same age in a shared space – it creates unnatural and cruel conditions for competition. We, as adults, are responsible for establishing such values with our behaviors and attitudes that will ease this difficult situation. We should stop romanticizing school. Everyone remembers how hard it was to survive, how much energy went into achieving and maintaining a certain status with the peers. If there are no sports events, competitions, informal education methods, such as clubs, circles, then the bully has nowhere to experience a sense of victory, to release their physical energy, they will always choose the easiest way to self-establish. However, if the school does provide these options – then we should help them become involved. It is important to have discussions not only with the bully, but with the whole school. For example, to have formal debates on what bullying is and what homophobic bullying is. It will be the best if this is done before the bullying occurs – it is way easier to prevent than to deal with it after it has already occurred.

Usually the bully themselves is a recipient of aggression and has learned that the best way to deal with problems is to oppress the weak. I will also note here, that the whole weak-strong dichotomy is artificial, that people with non-heterosexual identities are weak only because we collectively think that. That’s why, to end bullying it is necessary to have an empathetic talk with the bully, at least ask them about their family situation, find the source of the aggression.

However, the main thing that we can do is to take control of the bully inside of us. No matter how many clubs open in schools, how many politically correct ideas we sound, if we, people working at schools, at the bottom of our hearts believe that it is okay to beat a boy for having an earring – then nothing will ever change. That’s why I want to ask: what do we personally lose because of the fact that some people are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender? What does this fact cause in our hearts, that we do not oppose bullying? This is not just a theoretical question. It’s just that we have been told and made to believe so many times that people of different sexual orientations and identities are yucky, how conscious are we of the reasons that make us irritated?

At the same time, it is crucial to work with victims of violence. This is extremely unfair, but dealing with bullying requires the victim to become stronger as well. The victim themselves should put effort into it, understand how important it is and not let the bully to violate them. Of course I don’t mean those cases, in which the victim is physically beaten because the abuser is stronger or there are few people attacking at once. We have many examples of how fatal can such conflicts be and in such cases we should have strict and timely response. But in dealing with being laughed at, exclusion, rumors, cyber-bullying – these are the things that we can for sure support the victims of violence in, to help them see that it is only temporary. Talk to them, remind them of their strengths, help with self-acceptance Against the background that peers do not perceive them as equals. Maybe for children our support means less than acceptance from peers, but with this we are helping the children in becoming more self-aware, for this experience to not become trauma once they have graduated from school, that will hinder their well-being and functionality for the rest of their lives. Let’s show the victims of bullying that we respect them, that there are other attitudes apart from the positions of their bullies. The stronger the victims of abuse become, the less power are the bullies are given in deciding other people’s significance, the harder it will be for bullies to abuse.

Also let’s mention the easiest to control and least important link – spectators, especially the neutral ones. Here we are given the chance to change even more. If bullies do not have the audience, the cases of bullying will decline. Actively oppose to bullying at schools, make it into something unacceptable, undesirable. By setting an example, support the spectators to stop urging the bullies. This is the easiest field to change, all you need is appropriate information and attitudes.

And finally,

When I was 17 years old I studied in America with an exchange program. We had a very interesting history teacher, a young girl that knew the subject well, seemed genuinely interested in our education, put a lot of effort into her lessons being active and easy. She gave us homework, listened to us, gave us feedback/ I felt as if I could express myself during her lessons. At the same time, she was strict and did not let us flunk our homework. With such approach, she became an authority and her words meant a lot to me. I remember that once boys in class kept throwing letters at each other, looking at me and laughing. I still don’t know what was happening or what they had written. The history teacher took the letters, skimmed through them and became very upset. She stopped the lesson and asked: “What have we been learning here the whole year? How democratic countries develop?” Everyone went quiet and then answered this rhetorical question with a “yes”. Then she asked: “Is it not a part of this development to respect every nationality?” – “yes” – we murmured. She asked “Does everyone deserve respect, no matter their nationality?” this was followed by another ashamed “yes”. She just looked at us and said “okay”. Such behavior never repeated again.

It has been 20 years since then. No other teacher before or after that has supported me so much. Even back when I was physically abused, which still hurts me as I’m writing this just as much as it did back then. I look at awe in everything that girl did: how she established herself, how she gained our recognition, treated all of us with respect and how important the anger of such authority figure turned out to be. How she stressed the unacceptability of this behavior in such way that she did not particularly mention neither the bully nor the victim, being myself. How did this issue become a responsibility of the whole class and how it connected to higher concepts; Easily, in a way that adolescents can understand, without too much philosophy. How she reacted to such a small case of bullying.

When my exchange year ended, the semester was not over yet. I had to leave without finishing, having a graduation. I remember the last day of me being at school: everyone was in the class while I wandered around the hallway, sobbing. I did not want to leave. So I sat down and wrote a thank you letter to my history teacher. I broke the rules – I walked into a class in the middle of the lesson and gave it to her.

Even though during all of the years of my school education I have experienced sexist bullying that had such an effect on me, that while being a very open and trusting person that is oriented on communication, I still cannot trust a single man. If there is a man next to me, physically, it bothers me and I start defending my own space. And this can’t be changed at this point with neither therapy, nor overlooking my past. Despite this, I remember the strong intervention of a young history teacher in the state of Utah very well till this day. I returned from America completely different – more confident and dependent on myself. I needed an example, that despite all of those things that had happened to me before, there was always a different path, an alternative. That I was defended publicly just once and I remember it even 20 years later. I can’t say that that’s the whole reason I chose a profession in which I would support people. However, I can say for sure that this experience showed me the power of empathy, this is our privilege, to stop homophobic bullying, recall our pain and give it meaning. It is our privilege to help others. This is our privilege to not stay as spectators.

Author – Lika Barabadze, Psychologist.

[1] CDC. (2016). Sexual Identity, Sex of Sexual Contacts, and Health-Risk Behaviors Among Students in Grades 9-12: Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance. Atlanta, GA: U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. https://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/volumes/65/ss/pdfs/ss6509.pdf

[2] Paz Elipe , María de la Oliva Muñoz , Rosario Del Rey^.. Homophobic Bullying and Cyberbullying: Study of a Silenced Problem. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/28569622/

[3] Tabidze Nukri, Khatuna Kharchilava (2020). Queer bullying in schools. Equality movement

ქვიარ ბულინგი სკოლაში

[4] Subeliani Ana, Acho Khachidze, Homophobic bullying in public schools

https://osgf.ge/bulingis-prevencia-skole/

[5] https://osgf.ge/bulingis-prevencia-skole/

[6] Dostoevsky, the brothers of Karamazov

[7] https://www.stopbullying.gov/