A while ago a 16 year-old came to me for a visit. Before opening the door into the room in which we were supposed to work, she paused, as if she was checking if she was ready to talk, whether she should stay or leave. Finally, she sat down, holding onto the chair handle. It was very hard for her to talk.
She was speaking quietly and timidly. She avoided eye contact. It was as if her mind was wandering and there was a tiny silhouette dressed inappropriately warm clothes in front of me. I found it difficult to ask her: why did you come here? What’s your goal? What are you feeling? This questions seemed out of place because her body was already answering all of them.
“Can you try to find one word that describes your current state. Come up with a name for it.”
She didn’t think for long, almost as if she was ready for this question.
“Can it be two words?”
“Of course, it can be two or more”
“Forbidden love!” – she said as her eyes filled with tears.
I felt relief. I viewed these tears as a sign of trust and the beginning of the process. It must be a trauma of love. A state caused by a loss – I thought and got ready to “glance into the river”. This is my metaphor. This is how I usually view therapy process.
“Now I know what my state is called – she added. At least I have a name for it”.
I want talk more about how the therapy process went. But I think it’s important to emphasize that the main difficulty for me was still laying ahead. She talked about her feelings intermittently and with difficulty: how she was in pain, how she was in love, how she was locking this feeling somewhere, in an imaginary box. What she felt when she was looking at the object of love. Why is it forbidden?! – I thought to myself. Why would you hide it, being so much in love?! You can’t. I was thinking about all of this nonsense and tried to avoid these thoughts altogether. Her state was somewhat alike an open wound, from which blood is dripping and draining, taking your life force out, weakening you, turning you into an emptiness. On the third meeting she mentioned the name of that person. Yes, you have guessed it correctly – she was in love with a person of the same sex as hers. So what?! – you might ask. For me this was very unexpected and extremely scary information. What am I supposed to do now? What do I know about such love? Can I help? She has already mentioned it twice, that she does not want to be alive anymore, and what are my thoughts about such love? Do I think that it is forbidden love too? If I do, do I tell this hopeless girl, that I cannot help her, because I cannot imagine how you can possibly love a person of the same sex?
Who knows how many questions like this I asked myself. How many times my hand started shaking because I was scared that I would say something wrong. I almost turned into a “devil’s advocate’, until I was sure that nothing had changed in me and I still would be able to help her. When she came on the next meeting and shared her fear with me – “I thought you would not have accepted me anymore”, we worked on some deeper traumas.
This was about 12 years ago. Now this girl does not live in Georgia anymore. She’s happy, but she didn’t succeed in that in this country. Before telling you this story I asked her if I could share my first work experience with LGBTQ community members. She agreed and I dared to share this experience with you.
When I was offered to write this article, I was asked a lot of questions:
When and how does a member of the LGBTQ community learn that he or she has a different orientation or gender identity from the people around him or her? What are their thoughts at that time?
If there is a period of self-exploration and what happens during this time, what processes are going on in human consciousness? What are the signs of self-acceptance?
Why it can be difficult for a person to accept their orientation or gender identity; What are the consequences of it and how does it manifest if a person is unable to accept their gender and orientation.
Is wanting family, friends, the community to know us as members of the LGBTQI community an expression of our psychological problem or is it a need? Why do we want to come out? What age and with whom do we most often come out? Are there any studies in this regard?
I had to re-read a few things. Especially my own records, which I always write. It was a weird coincidence too, that during this reflection I came across a podcast about Tony Morrison by Salome Asatiani. I listened to it and went through my records. “If you can only be tall when others are kneeling, then you have a serious problem” – this phrase shook me as much as it did to the author of the podcast. Tony Morrison views racism as a problem of white people, just as homophobia can be seen as a problem for heterosexuals. Who knows how many times I have felt ashamed for those people who inflict such strong physical and spiritual wounds on “the other”. It’s hard to be someone who has been an outcast because of their orientation, someone that is constantly persecuted, rejected by their own family members, someone that gets disgust as a response instead of love, that people try to lock in loneliness, trying to make them disappear. The question constantly arises: Why? Who decided so? The main problem is that us, humans, don’t have enough strength to deal with a sense of superiority over another – the greatest human weakness. Who set these standards, who invented these benefits ?! Wasn’t that us?! This is just an illusion! God, what things can make a person feel so superior to others, what could that be?!
Now I want to circle back to the asked questions. How is a different orientation formed? What kind of path is that? But until that it’s very important to say that there is a phenomena of the stress of minority, that doesn’t exist on its own and is a kind of a mixture of sociological and psychological theories. Ilan H. Meyer brought those together and said that a person with a stigmatized social identity may experience the stressors associated with his or her identity as well as the stressors that each individual experiences. (I.H. Meyer 2003). Identity-related stressors that come from the environment include verbal or physical oppression, harassment, violence, denial of LGBTQ + individuals, and neglect or misrepresentation of their sexuality, family structure, or appearance. Similar attitudes may be present in the daily lives of these individuals. Nevertheless, with some effort they are able to adapt, over time these experiences accumulate and may be devastating for the individual. (I.H. Meyer 2003).
There is an even stronger stressor that exists on a personality level and is based on subjective perceptions and evaluations. Homophobic attitudes from society are often reflected in a gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender individuals’ psyche and affect their self-esteem, beliefs, and practices. Therefore, homophobic views that are widespread in society lead to self-denial and rejection (Frost 2011). This type of stress is associated with many deep psychological problems, which often lead to loss of meaning, suicidal thoughts or actions of the individual.
“I constantly feel like something is eating me on the inside. Sometimes I think that I am eating myself”
“Before someone gets to express hatred toward me, I already hate myself”
“I want to think that I am worth something”
“I feel like I’m holding a chamomile in my hand, taking out its leaves and foretelling: Loves me, Loves me not… That applies to me. Do I love myself?”
“I don’t know how to love myself when I have only been taught how to hate and reject it”
That’s why the answer to the question – “is coming-out a need or is it a manifestation of a psychological problem”, is obvious: It is about reconciling with yourself, loving yourself, and to some extent overcoming this double stress.
According to new models of personality development, LGBTQ individuals go through approximately the same stages of identity development as all of us. These models are based on the Erickson’s and Sullivan’s concepts, where the crisis at each stage of development must be overcome before the person can move on to the next stage. The authors also discuss the impact of the socialization process on the individual, where it is important that the self is developed and shaped based on interpersonal relationships and their nature.
The proposed model has 5 stages: Pre coming out, coming out, exploration, first relationships and identity integration. Before going directly to the description of these steps, we need to address a few issues: Firstly, this model does not necessarily follow all of the listed steps. A person might get stuck on one of the steps, or revert to some of the previous steps, or it might be impossible for them to reach the final step at all. However, the integration of identity, which is the highest stage, depends on the completion of the previous stages. Development for most people is usually a more chaotic, complex and fluid process, than it is described in this model. This framework is more helpful for psychotherapists to better understand what their patients experience on this difficult path. The validity of this model needs to be revised and researched again.
Pre coming out
A 2-4-year-old child already knows his or her own sexual affiliation, can distinguish between men and women (clothes, appearance, voice), preschool aged children become interested in information related to sex and gender. After 3 years of age, there is an increased interest in both one’s own and the opposite sex’s genitals, trying to show them, touch them with a hand.
If the object of identity, choice, is undoubtedly formed at an early age, it is possible that on a conscious and pre-conscious level, the child and family members already know from this stage that the child’s sexual orientation is “different”. This knowledge can have a significant impact on the child and the parent. During these early years, the child learns ethical values from the family and society, internalizes the rules, and in this way, he or she learns that homosexuality is wrong, feelings towards a person of your sex means you might get rejected, and that it’s shameful, that there are norms that tell you whom to create a family with, how to live, whom to love and whom not to love. Already at this stage the child feels that he is “different”, they feel like an alien, and alone. With growth, such children develop low self-esteem. As a result, individuals protect themselves from this realization through a number of defense mechanisms: denying, repressing, or sublimating it. Fischer notes that “denial of the validity of one’s own feelings, refraining from expressing it causes pain, and returns this energy of negativity” inside… “Over the years, these small denials will have a cumulative effect.”
A person at this stage is not aware of the feelings he or she has towards people of the same sex, they cannot describe what is wrong. They feel as if they’re different as well as conflict, which often manifests itself in the form of behavioral problems, psychosomatic illnesses, or many other symptoms. At this stage, different ways of resolving the conflict are addressed. Some decide on and commit suicide, some hide their feelings of being different from themselves and others, and continue to suffer from low self-esteem and depression. A healthy solution at this stage is to face the existential crisis. Being different – “it means to overcome the barrier of protective mechanisms and acknowledge the feelings towards a person of the same sex.
Coming Out
Individuals move to this stage after acknowledging their homosexual feelings. This is the first step of the coming out process. First of all, you have to acknowledge your own thoughts, your imagination. Plummer and Lee call this step the destination. Plummer notes that “these are the first conscious or partially conscious moments when a person perceives himself as homosexual. Hencken and O’Dowd call this stage awareness, Dank calls it identification, and Grace -recognition.
Studies show that the average age at which people become aware of homosexual passions is 13 to 18 years. According to various studies this age varies between girls and boys. According to a study by Jay and Young (1979), the average age for girls is 18 and that for boys it is 13-14. According to another study, boys realize that they are gay at around 17, and girls do at the age of 15 years. However, we must not forget that everything is individual and it is impossible to determine the exact age. There is often a period when individuals are conscious of their homosexual feelings (whether or not they have engaged in them) but still do not consider themselves as belonging to this group. In short, they cannot express these feelings and talk about them.
When a person is able to identify and acknowledge their feelings, they are faced with the next challenge – to come out or to tell others about it. The purpose of this action is to start the process of self-acceptance.
Starting this process does not mean to talk about it in public. It is self-recognition and sharing with people important to you. Because of the need for external validation, individuals often run the risk of declaring their own sexual orientation, hoping that they will not be rejected. This is a very critical point, the reaction of the person with whom they are sharing matters a lot. In this case, the existential crisis is resolved in a positive direction.
Studies have shown that a positive homosexual identity is associated with healthy psychological regulation. In addition, Dank found that the frequency of feelings of guilt and loneliness, as well as the need to consult a psychiatrist and psychologist, decreases as an individual spends more time with their homosexual identity. However, no one can develop such self-concepts as “accepted” and “appreciated” on their own. The individual must take risks in order to receive recognition from others. It is important for a person to carefully choose the person with whom they will talk about their homosexuality.
However, it is never completely clear and often people cannot predict what the response of their friends, co-workers, family members will be. It is important for the first people that are chosen to accept the individual’s homosexuality. When an individual receives recognition from at least a few people, then it already becomes easier to deal the rejection.
Acceptance from a close person means more than acceptance from a stranger. Some people are reluctant to tell close (often heterosexual) friends about their orientation and seek this acceptance with their gay or lesbian friends. This may be a missed opportunity. Individuals of different sexual orientations and gender identities will gain more peace of mind and self-confidence if they are accepted by heterosexual people that are important to them.
When parents, family members find out about the sexual orientation of their child, sister, brother, it takes time for them to acknowledge it. For many homosexuals today, the chances of family members accepting this positively from the beginning are slim. However, this does not mean that they should not tell them. Each case must be studied individually. Sometimes telling parents and family members is the most successful. When a person has already received positive responses from other important people, they can easily deal with the negative responses received from the family. It is important for them to be patient and give their family members some space to process this. Parents often mourn the image of their children, the ways they thought they were living. Homosexuals need to find the strength to remember that it took them a long time to accept and acknowledge their own homosexual “self”! This can be the same with family members and parents.
Exploration
This is the stage of experimenting with a newly found sexual identity. This is the first major experience of sexual and social activities. If an individual has the opportunity to relate and talk to others about their own sexuality, if the communication is open, sincere, it is a prerequisite for the formation of a positive “self” image. Cass sees this process as the first experience in the direction of identity tolerance that leads a person to the acceptance of identity.
At this stage, people face several challenges. The first is to develop interpersonal skills. To meet and socialize with others who have similar sexual interests. When socializing with heterosexuals, individuals who have homosexual preferences may have significant problems in terms of communication skills and, therefore, integration into society.
Secondly, some people need to develop a sense of personal attractiveness and sexual competencies. By engaging in sexual intercourse, in the eyes of members of the same sex, they feel more attractive.
Third, it helps the individual a lot if they feel that their self-esteem is not based on their sexual attractiveness. Some people are “locked in” with the feeling that the only way they can be realized is through their sexual attractiveness. Many people, often lose their way to their goal when they are in their adolescent years and are experiencing adventures typical for this period. Adolescence is known for rebellious, often self-destructive behaviors.
One of the obstacles to successfully completing the exploration stage is the consumption of substances that help to alleviate pain. Often this is a risk of becoming dependent on alcohol or other substances.
In this regard, people at this stage need serious help and support, because the consumption of substances “helps” to alleviate the pain that comes from childhood, to cope with the constant pressure experienced by the environment. Drugs may also be associated with the expression of sexuality, which leads to problems in the development of intimacy.
First relationships
After exploring sexual and social experiments, the issue of intimacy needs arises, which is important. For this stage of development, it is necessary for the individual to learn how to act in a homosexual relationship, especially when the norm is something completely different -heterosexual relationships. The first relationship may even be horrible for a variety of reasons. Negative attitudes related to homosexuality can also contribute to the constant sabotage of establishing and maintaining these relationships. The following stereotype plays a special role here: “Gay and lesbian relationships are full of pain or negativity and they never last long.” Also, first relationships are characterized by intense ownership and lack of trust. The intense need for intimacy is often a cause for despair. One, or both partners are selflessly trying to maintain the relationship and make it perfect. If they try to do this independently from each other, it is interpreted as the fading of love. At the same time, these pressures and expectations lead to the loss of sexual interest, which is another “proof” that this love has “failed”. A common result is that there is a growth in interest in sexual beyond the existing relationship. This interest often becomes the ultimate proof that love is inferior and the relationship ends.
The first connections end turbulently, often so that one or both partners can move back to the exploration stage (studying this or that symptom to find a diagnosis), confident in the fact that long-term relationships never work out. Some do not even try to start a relationship again. Others continue to try.
For gay couples, there are very few role models of what a relationship should look like. There are few gay couples in books, movies and TV shows. At the same time, the aggression of the society towards such relations is quite high. Many couples lack recognition and support from friends and the community. The biggest problem in this relationship is the “self” identity crisis of only one partner. Intimate relationships often begin before the challenges of the coming-out and exploration steps are overcome.
If a couple hides their relationship from friends, family members, society, it causes a lot of tension in their relationship. If either partner fails to come out successfully, it becomes quite difficult to stay in the relationship. Some relationships end because of these pressures.
Integration
Grace calls this stage self-determination, reintegration. He describes it as an endless, ongoing process of development that lasts a lifetime. At this point, new feelings about emerge concerning the self. As people find new opportunities and concepts, new social connections emerge. Grace describes that individuals solve different tasks at different levels, depending on the circumstances. for example: Returning to the stage of exploration and experimentation after the relationship is over, returning to the coming out to talk to family members, co-workers, colleagues, friends about their orientation.
Relationships at this stage are more solid and pleasurable because the crisis of the previous stages is overcome and the relationships are free from feelings of ownership. These relationships are based on trust and freedom. Individuals are psychologically more willing to end a relationship naturally if there is a need for it. In addition, they face other challenges related to adulthood. An individual with an integrated identity has a better chance of coping with all life challenges and being able to self-realize.
In short, this is the way to integration. Unfortunately, there are many cases around us when people do not have the opportunity to go through these stages and get to the last step. You probably understand how painful this path is. It is accompanied by fear, hatred and the constant cry of “being who you want to be in your own home”, which in fact goes against a very important process for a person – self-acceptance, integration. Recently, the boundaries of “one’s own home” have been violated too and this is not a safe place for a person of different sexual orientation and identity anymore.
I have worked with all types of trauma, but for the first time now, I see what dread is – it is tremendously strong fear mixed with spiritual suffering. Nor have I ever heard from anyone such a desperate, heartbroken cry that throws you into terrible helplessness, and you once again realize that the problem of these people is connected to us too. We need to change and become better.
Author – Maia Tsiramua, psychotherapist, writer
