Sometimes I Try to Convince Myself That None of This Was Real

Unfortunately, I have to stay anonymous. I am a 24-year-old lesbian. My journey of self-discovery started at the age of 15, when I first felt attracted to a girl.

This is where my problems began. Sadly, I grew up in a family in which I was emotionally abused on a daily basis. What expectations should I have for the society after that? For my friends, who couldn’t or refused to accept me because I was different.

I can recall a few instances. I remember my first heartbreak at a very young age. It was when I was not allowed to play football because girls are supposed to play with dolls (Here, I would like to express my respect for the Georgian Women’s Football Federation). As I grew up, my problems also grew bigger and they became more painful than playing football. For example, my manners, outfits, style, were all a problem. I was even told that I must have some hormonal problems and that I needed medical treatment. They even wanted to send me to a church, and my mom just pretended that she didn’t know what was going on with me. As for my friends and the society in general, I lost a lot of people because it was unacceptable to them that I was attracted to people of my own sex.

The real and final problem was me falling in love. It became obvious to them that I couldn’t be treated, there was nothing wrong with me and they realized that I was a lesbian. I was a shame to my parents and there was no place for me in their lives. After this I was simply kicked out of my house. An added bonus was the fact that I was also fired from my job – as they told me, “this isn’t a gay bar”. I was left homeless, jobless, and hopeless.

My girlfriend and I could never be happy here, live freely and achieve anything in life. So we escaped the country and asked for shelter in one of the European countries, and we’re still here. Our family members know nothing about this. Because of this I will refrain from specifying the name of the country and other details.

For the first time in my life, I am in an environment in which I feel like a normal person, just like anyone else. No one stares at me, no one threatens or mocks me. No one threatens my partner either. We don’t have to be defending ourselves and be constantly stressed out. We’re not thinking about death and we have a real chance to make a family and lead a normal life in the society. It doesn’t really matter if we have the funds for it, I’m just happy that I can breathe and feel the freedom.

I have hope for the future. I believe that we are starting everything from scratch. Despite the fact that because of all the stress I have a few neurological illnesses, I believe that I will have a child. I will raise them in a healthy society, in which he will never have to doubt that my love is an odd event. Love is love.

It is hard to describe all the pain, sadness and humiliation. Sometimes I try to convince myself that none of this was real. I have to stand up and prove to everyone that I’m strong. And most of all, I have to keep on living for my own self.

I have read the statistics of the European Council study. How could I disagree with it, after how much I went through?! There was so much aggression around me. Every second person attempted to humiliate me. This isn’t just me, all of my friends have the same problems – they are ready to flee the country and go to a new place, where you’re just a nobody, only to be able to breathe freely.

I don’t think that the situation in Georgia will change so much that the LGBTQI community could live safely there. Personally, I will never return to Georgia. My decision is due to many painful experiences, and I don’t want to go through that again.

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