“In the last few days, nothing has been harder for me than shaping my thoughts. I am experiencing every thought and feeling at once – sometimes even opposite ones. Probably weeks, months and even years have to go by for me to evaluate what we won, lost, where we were, where we are, and where we are going. I hope that when the time comes, the whole queer community will be able to do it together – by sharing experience to each other and acknowledging it.
So far every attempt by the queer community to hold a public rally, no matter if it’s May 17 or Pride, it always comes down to the processes that we cannot control. I remember, I was very scared before July 5, but I could not have even imagined that organized terror that the government and parish used against us. I thought that they would at most throw tomatoes and eggs at us. I had imagined that they would steal the flags from us and that would be as far as things went. What happened in reality, though, was way worse than any scenario I had imagined.
Exactly one week after the failed, violently disrupted March of Pride, another rally is held in front of the parliament demanding the resignation of the murderous government. The gathered people mainly talk about journalists and cameramen, especially about Lekso Lashkarava – the dead cameraman who has become the face of this protest. Almost no one mentions queer people anymore. There is talk that the government has declared war on the opposition media, that Putinist groups are directly controlled by the Georgian Dream, and that soon we may wake up in Iran. At most, they might mention that in the last few days girls and boys have been attacked because of their colorful clothes or different hairstyles. But still no one mentions queer people! Except for the representatives of the government themselves, who unhesitatingly associate us with the National Movement and at the same time claim that they are in the interests of the majority. We are practically being told that as long as they are in the government, neither Pride will be protected, nor anyone at all, that differs in any way from the majority. But yeah, not even the majority is protected from those violent groups that are still wandering around the city.
Many of my non queer friends are openly talking about leaving the country too. Also about the fact that they cannot imagine a happy, tranquil life in this country. I wonder if now they understand queer people better. That is all that we ever wanted, for the country to accept its own children. We have always supported every oppressed person, people or groups that fought injustice. We didn’t want a better future just for ourselves, we wanted it for everyone else too. This is what we are left with now: Angrier government, more abusive patriarchate, better organized fascism, more trauma, more sadness, more ager and more despair.
To say the least, we are in a very difficult situation. I can neither call for hope nor despair. Such times have come that my mood might change several times a day. I also don’t want for my sadness to cause anyone to experience despair. I also don’t want to make anyone hopeful. Anyway, we probably need to give each other hope. No matter how dark the night is for us and no matter what we bring down, we should still try pull our weight. Hope is often born in action.
Let’s remember the good things as well: I am happy, for example, when I remember how we waved the Pride flag in front of Parliament on July 6, the next day, at a solidarity rally. We sang the Georgian national anthem and at that moment we believed that there was place of us on this land. Several thousand people came out in solidarity. Maybe some of them came to the parliament to condemn the violence in general and in fact were not directly supportive of the queer community, but still the society standing there gave me faith for the future. For me personally, it was an important moment because just a few years ago I could not have imagined that I would ever dare to do so much publicly.
In the past week I experienced moments of pride. Today, for example, I am most proud of the parishioner woman who interrupted the Reverend and demanded an answer to the violence from the Patriarchate. I am also proud that there are several clerics who condemn the violence and are even in solidarity with us. I am proud to know the people, the representatives of the civil society, who work tirelessly every day to have a better future for this country.
Still, sadness is so ingrained in me, I temporarily say goodbye to pride. The time will come when I will welcome it again. We will bring it back together.”
Tamar Jakeli
Photo: Vakho Kareli
