December 2022 - Page 2

Domestic violence, forced coming-out and getting back up- Elene Khobaidze

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For those who don’t know me, I would introduce myself as just Elene, an ordinary 22 years old person, with a plain appearance, a little strange, and in some ways, a closed-up, who is quite critical of herself and sees herself worse than she is. No, I don’t have low self-esteem. I’m just realistic.

Childhood — domestic violence and harsh social conditions

I was a weird child, very direct with a lot of issues. I grew up with my grandmother, grandfather and aunt and uncle who were almost the same age, in difficult social conditions. We somehow made it through, just like the rest of the people in Georgia. 

There was a mulberry tree near the school. I loved to climb that tree, eat the berries and observe people from up there. I used to climb that tree after school and spend 1-2 hours there, without even realizing it. It so happened that I often got a beating for doing a harmless thing. And yes, I was physically abused for being home late. Due to this, even the happy memories are hard for me to talk about.

My last field trip was also bittersweet. Before telling the story, I must point out that my grandfather used to drink. Of course, the physical abuse got worse once he got drunk. I remember how happy I was about the field trip, especially because he wasn’t tagging along. It went great, I had a lot of fun, but as I got home, I was met by my drunk grandfather. Which unfortunately meant he would spend the whole might beating me. This is one more memory which I love and hate at the same time, just like the mulberry tree.  

“Because I couldn’t physically overpower my grandfather, I lashed out by breaking things or damaging walls. It’s ironic that physical abuse only intensified due to this. ”

Self-discovery 

I came to understand my sexuality and identity at a very early age. I would have been about 6-7 years old when I started school, and realized that I was bushing just like the boys when looking at girls. 

I was reassured about my sexuality when I got my first phone. I was exactly 13 years old, when I knew I liked girls without a doubt. Until then, I thought I was the only one “like that”, as if I was ill. Later I read a lot about sexuality, watched a lot of things, and realized that I was not the only one “like that”.

Things were relatively easy before the age of 17. I used to calmly hide my identity, but as I fell in love with a girl for the first time, the need to come out started to rip me apart. But I was not able to make this move. I was not ready. I only told one of my classmates, as I could feel a certain sense of similarity with them and it brought on the feeling of safety.  

Rejection by mother and forced coming out

I spent 17 years of my life in an abusive home. Only at that age was I finally able to live with my mother, but just like my bittersweet memories, this too didn’t last, nor did it end well. 

I was working at a local market, on a night shift back then. I would come home exhausted in the mornings. One of these days my mother used the chance to go through my phone. She saw text messages between me and my first love. I think she did, because I didn’t share my inbox or Facebook password with her, and she was very curious about what was going on. 

“After being outed, everyone stopped talking to me. This was all thanks to my mother. She made sure everyone knew how “sick” I was.” 

This was the hardest point, a breaking one, I would say. As soon as she quenched her curiosity, she woke me up by yelling. I had just fallen asleep. She was screaming at me with the words: ”how did you turn out like this?”. She called me sick, that I was doing it because it was trendy, and many more hurtful things, and of course, physically abused me. She hit me, which hurt and upset me much more from her than the constant beating of my grandfather. I remember spending that night at home. I was worried, I couldn’t find a place. My eyes were puffy from crying. The next day I was forced to leave the house. I must also say here that this house was bought at the expense of me being abandoned with abusers. Mother worked, renovated the apartment, socialized, while I was enduring violence, and bullying on a daily basis. Because I couldn’t physically overpower my grandfather, I lashed out by breaking things or damaging walls. It’s ironic that physical abuse only intensified due to this.

After being outed, everyone stopped talking to me. This was all thanks to my mother. She made sure everyone knew how “sick” I was.” During this period, the fact that I had to go to the police in order to be granted asylum was especially difficult for me. At that time, I did not know about the existence of community organizations and other support groups, and I had no choice but to go to the police. I hid the abuse from the police. I was still looking out for my mother. I was afraid that she would be arrested. When I asked for asylum, they told me that if you didn’t request a restraining order, they wouldn’t be able to grant me asylum.

Support is crucial for queer individuals. If my mother hadn’t pushed me away, if she had listened and understood me, I wouldn’t have to go through the hardships I went through. Because of homophobia, this country is losing many educated, creative minds and people with a bright future who can change reality, which is already resembling the 90’s again. 

The difficulties of queer relationships

It is hard for queer people to build relationships in Georgia, because, even inside the community darkness prevails. There are many useless boundaries and stereotypes. For example, if you are a “tomboy”, you can’t be attracted to girls with the same style, you can only be with “feminine” girls. And if a “tomboy” wears a dress, others will make fun of her, as if some jock came in dressed like that, and that is simply wrong. 

I was in love twice, and got my heart broken both times. I had several other attempts at building a relationship, but I realized that we were not right for each other, so we just drifted apart every time. 

“I don’t feel safe anywhere anymore. Among them, not even at home. Nevertheless, the pain and difficulties made me stronger. As for weaknesses, I only take off my “armor” when I’m alone with myself.”

The need for society’s acceptance of queer people

In my opinion, unfortunately, instead of progress, we are going backwards. The community cannot or does not properly understand others’ coming out and does not try to understand them.

I would live in a place where my identity and sexuality would not be questioned and I would be accepted as normally as heterosexuals are.

I would advise those, who are currently going through the maze called self-discovery, to get on the Internet. There are a number of good sites that have useful information. Also, I would advise you not to trust all your “friends” and not rush talking to your family. There is always a risk of being left on the street, and these risks must be properly assessed, from the get-go. 

The Georgian queer activist is a martyr who most people don’t listen to because they are full of hatred. A Georgian queer activist is a doctor who tries to teach thought and vision to someone who had both; their brain and eyes removed. 

Plans for the future and advice to the public

All things considered, I plan to emigrate. I know I have no future here. There is hate and scorn at every step, which even brings demise to some queer people. I think that abroad I will have a chance to do more than exist. There, I can live fully and make my plans come true.  

I think, if I work non-stop, in 10 years I will have a good career, I will be able to buy a small, cozy house in a noisy town and live peacefully. This is my plan. I don’t have dreams, as I have already mentioned, I am a realist. I mostly have plans regarding my career growth. 

Having a house and still renting a place in order to have a roof over your head is a financial loss. Fortunately, I no longer have to deal with physical abuse, since I have distanced myself from my family. And as for psychological damage, well, we all have to deal with that. The main thing is not to give up. 

I still think that the solution to this problem lies in people. They must have the will to get out of the gutter, which they currently reside in. They should care less about what the mob thinks and accept their own children. The more such precedents occur, the better the situation will get. 

I don’t think we queers alone can achieve anything, until society stops hiding under the wing of the manipulative church and only listens to it, until they realizes that a lesbian, transgender and gay person who is killed or harassed is a human being, someone’s child and needs support as a full-fledged human being and as the future the future of this country. 

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Pako Tabatadze – I am a proud gay man

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I am Pako Tabatadze, 36 years old. I’m funny, a little sad, positive and funny, but if I get angry, beware! It’s safer to play with fire than to play with me.

“Accept yourself!”

Despite the difficulties, I still say that I had a perfect childhood. I lacked nothing, whether it was holidays, circus or entertainment. My grandmother used to buy us clothes at thrift stores, and I was the first in kindergarten to wear “Jackson shoes” or Wrangler jeans. After a while, my father developed a drinking habit. Whenever  he drank, there were beatings, throwing us out on the street and sleeping somewhere in the bushes, although it didn’t break me, on the contrary, it made me stronger. I don’t even remember that period. I think that you should get rid of negativity and always focus on good, bright memories.

“I asked my mother to watch “Prayers for Bobby”. The main character in the film is a believer and my mother is also a Jehovah’s Witness, so I made a connection. She cried a lot. When the movie was over, I asked her whether her son being alive was more important or what the neighbors would say.”

I knew who I was and wasn’t since the age of five. At first, it was difficult for me to accept myself and I kept asking the question – why me and not someone else? It took me a while to analyze everything. As a teenager, I had no one to talk to, I had to pretend that I liked girls, when in fact I didn’t. Somewhere at the age of 16, I stopped fighting with myself and said: Enough! You are like this, don’t think so much and accept yourself!

That was it. 

Movies helped me a lot in this process. For example, “Prayers for Bobby”, which I just turned on and watched. Also, Pedro Almodovar’s films, especially “Bad Education” — when I saw it, I realized that there is no point in fighting with yourself. If you don’t accept yourself, no one else will.

Mother 

I was never bullied in school, I still have a perfect relationship with my classmates. I think providing the information in the correct manner matters a lot, and by that, I mean you can not just dump everything altogether like-“Mother, I am gay!”. What did I do? I asked my mother to watch “Prayers for Bobby”. The main character in the film is a believer and my mother is also a Jehovah’s Witness, so I made a connection. She cried a lot. When the movie was over, I asked her whether her son being alive was more important or what the neighbors would say. I used to leave her little riddles that she would solve.

I haven’t felt anything negative from my mother. At a Tbilisi Pride meeting with parents, she said- “he is my son, I gave birth to him and I love him just the way he is”. She did have problems in her circle, but I went there and introduced myself. It is unacceptable to ask a mother to turn away from her child!

“I, Pavle Tabatadze, do not need to shout that I am gay. Why would I need or want that?! Who I am is already evident. Even in Belgium, where I live now, no one tells you that they are gay, here, you are just a human.”

I love the New Year very much, because it is colorful like me. If my mother is a Jehovah’s Witness, I shouldn’t put up a Christmas tree? I am very sorry, I also live in that house and we have equal rights.

I talk to my mother about everything, but I don’t like it when someone discusses their sexual experiences with their parents. My sexual identity is a matter of my personal intimacy. I, Pavle Tabatadze, do not need to shout that I am gay. Why would I need or want that?! Who I am is already evident. Even in Belgium, where I live now, no one tells you that they are gay, here, you are just a human.

That doesn’t mean I’m hiding myself. Coming out is necessary, first of all, because you yourself will feel relief, you will no longer be tense, you will not live in a lie, and this pain will go away. It feels like taking a deep breath. My coming out happened naturally. I will, once more, emphasize how important it is to present information step by step and in a correct manner. Television and other news outlets are quite harmful in that aspect, as they present information in a way that confuses parents. They don’t know what to do. They take their kids to psychologists, sexologists. No one tells them that people are just born that way. You can not become queer later on, it is impossible.

“I escaped death on July 5. The mob was chasing me to kill me on the Baratashvili bridge, and the only alternative I had  was to jump into Mtkvari, if not for the taxi driver coming from Avlabari, whose car I jumped into.”

Activism 

As far as activism goes, I was everywhere, my jas nearly fell off from talking. I was 19, when I publicly came out on a TV show called “Geobar”. The very next day, I was fired from the project, on the premises of breaching the contract. Inclusive took my case. They supported me a lot and tried really hard for me to get the compensation. Back then there was no other LGBT organization in Georgia.

Today, organizations operating in Georgia are very divided and they have to come to terms somehow. Some like the idea of Pride and some don’t. People found out what gay was from me, how could I not support the idea of Pride?! But you have to plan it carefully and not take unjustified risks. I get that the state must protect me, but if you are holding a rally, you tell me to come, that means I trust you. I know that the state will protect me, because you told me so a few days ago. In the end, it turned out that instead of protecting us, the State Security Service was hunting us. At the final Pride meeting I said that the violent groups were stoking up on metal pipes, I had valid information, yet I was told not to stress people. And we all saw what happened on the 5th of July.

I escaped death on July 5. The mob was chasing me to kill me on the Baratashvili bridge, and the only alternative I had  was to jump into Mtkvari, if not for the taxi driver coming from Avlabari, whose car I jumped into. I was going to the Shame movement’s office, when I got a text not to go there, because it was being raided. I was moving towards Orbeliani square, trying to get on a bus, so I could go home, but they had found out that “faggots” where gathering at Dedaena park and came after us. They had bats with nails in them. If I had gone down the underground passage, I wouldn’t have survived.

It was partly thanks to this day that I left Georgia. I could not go out freely on the street; they recognized me. Unlike others, I could not afford to take a taxi, so I used public transport. I couldn’t even wear earrings anymore, I combed my hair and before leaving the house I asked my mother if I was wearing something that would get me beaten. My mother visited the office of Tbilisi Pride and we both cried when we watched the footage of the raid. Pride also helped me a lot and stood by me when I was being treated and had no money for medicine.

In general, I think that the queer community in Georgia lacks self-acceptance. When you do not accept your own identity, it will be difficult for you to accept others. There is also the problem of education, and by this I do not mean diploma and university. As a consequence, they keep bullying each other. I have seen nothing of this sort in Belgium. They are not the friendliest, but they do not bicker like we do in Georgia. When I say all this out loud, I am called a homophobe or a transphobe. People don’t like to be told that they are wrong. 

Nobody likes the truth, especially Georgians.

“The hardest experience was the shelter. I was hungry, I couldn’t eat the food there, even the smell made me sick. Sleeping in the same room with five people, when the homophobic director calls you a “faggot refugee”. Before that, sleeping in the subway, waking up on the street…”

Belgium 

I first came to Belgium in December 2019, but due to some problems I had to go to Georgia. I was supposed to return in two weeks, but the pandemic started and I stayed in Georgia for two years. Asylum wrote to me that I had to return by December 2021 if I was not to be deported from Europe’s Schengen area. I was lucky,my mother was playing the lottery, so she gave me money and I left with 150 euros in my pockets.

The hardest experience was the shelter. I was hungry, I couldn’t eat the food there, even the smell made me sick. I had such a difficult time, my mother sent me sometimes 30 euros, sometimes 50 euros. Sleeping in the same room with five people, when the homophobic director calls you a “faggot refugee”. Before that, sleeping in the subway, waking up on the street… I had to go through daily challenges that ultimately made me stronger.

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Now I am taking integration courses. I can’t work yet. If you want an official, good job, where you will be paid at least 2,000 euros, you must know the language at some level, either Dutch or French. I live in Brussels, which is more French speaking, but I’m learning Dutch because it’s preferred. Now I have the so-called “A” card and until I get “B” I can’t do anything, I’m not even allowed to leave the country.

As soon as you hear someone say “Georgian”, you know something bad is about to go down. To give a simple example – you come to Belgium because you are being persecuted and killed in your country; they impose certain conditions on you and tell you that you have to undergo integration process, you have to go to school, learn the language, then you have to work for a year, etc. And you go to social services and tell them -you know what; don’t oblige me to learn your language. Beg your pardon! Some say that they are not interested in integration courses, because they already know how to use traffic lights. Why should they pay you then? Sorry, but if you are paid 1,137 euros per month, you should show some determination to that country. Due to such attitudes, if you are Georgian, you are also looked at the wrong way and have to prove something. What did I do wrong?! I arrived and I am living honestly, calm and quiet.

“Do you think I’m happy to be here? I have not been happy for a year, because I am not where I’m supposed to be. My government did this to me.”

“I am not where I’m supposed to be. My government did this to me.”

My mother’s support means the most to me, we have a very close bond. It’s been a year since I left, and if I don’t talk to her three times a day, we both get sick. Me leaving felt like someone ripping a kid from their mother’s chest. Although she has two children and grandchildren besides me, she tells me that no one can take care of her like me. If my mother is no more, I don’t know how I will be able to continue my life. It is very hard when you have to leave the country in such a situation. Do you think I’m happy to be here? I have not been happy for a year, because I am not where I’m supposed to be. My government did this to me. There were moments when I was at the peak of my emotions, I was getting sick, and everything I had accumulated during this time was bursting out at once. 

During the period of the previous rule, there was no anti-discrimination law. Yes, “Georgian Dream” adopted this law, but back then you had more hope for the police if someone called you a “faggot” on the street. Now they just gave us a piece of paper, they showed it to Europe and America; we adopted an anti-discrimination law, but what good does it do me? How does it protect me? When I said “Putin Huilo” at Gavrilov’s night rally, they arrested me, held me in detention for 24 hours, made me pay a fine, and you’re trying to tell me that my country’s protecting me?! I insulted the occupant and they arrested me. There are homophobes sitting in the parliament, deciding my fate. First of all, they should be removed. But what’s the point of talking about it when the first homophobe and bully is the Prime Minister himself?! On July 6, policemen were attacked with Molotov cocktails. The state is not up to par; they have opened the way for people with a steer mentality. 

Even here, in Belgium, you have to protect yourself; it’s not quite the same as it seems from Georgia. There are also corrupt organizations here, pretending to do something for you. One organization turned me away because of my age. They said I was 35 years old and they couldn’t shelter me. What do you mean, I’m 35 years old and you can’t shelter me, when I’m on the street, sleeping in the subway?! I am very grateful to the Kingdom of Belgium, yet they are very much aware of the problems I am talking about. There are areas where you cannot walk at night. A few months ago, a Brazilian transgender woman was killed, and before that, a Georgian gay man was beaten so badly that he needed three jaw surgeries – such things happen here, too. Although the locals are not homophobic, it’s more a problem of immigrants. Here the law protects you, the vice president of Belgium is a transgender woman, queers are represented in the parliament, there are LGBTQ flags everywhere, and the local royal family are bid allies. 

“I am a gay man and I am not afraid to admit it, I am not ashamed. I was born like this, I grew up like this, and I will die like this, and yes, I am proud to be who I am.”

This year I also went to Pride. I wore a denim jacket with the colors of the Pride flag and the flag of Georgia on the back. The word “GEORGIA” was also written on it.

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What empowers me? The fact that I am a gay man and I am not afraid to admit it, I am not ashamed. I was born like this, I grew up like this, and I will die like this, and yes, I am proud to be who I am.

I would like to tell queer people to support each other, accept themselves, to say what they think, and after that everything is truly going to be ok, even though it is not easy. The universe gives both; good and bad. You must overcome the bad; there is no other way… and as the universe sees that you were able to live through it, you will be given more good. 

I really miss my city where I was born and raised. I love it the most and really miss it the most. I stayed in this city, in Brussels, because Brussels has the same “vibe” as Tbilisi.

This is one of the things that helps me go through it all. 

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Giorgi Zghenti — I am bisexual and I accept my identity with pride

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I am Giorgi, 20 years old, from Batumi.

I grew up in the most colorful part of Batumi, in old Batumi, in the so-called “Italian garden”. In general, Batumi is an outstanding city, with its character and diversity, but this part of the city embodies its spirit, and leaves a mark on the people who live there. “Italian garden” is a place where the line between personal and public life is erased; where walls and doors are just suggestions and neighbors know everything about each other. I can’t say that this is bothersome, because from the beginning you get used to the fact that the neighbor is like a family member , knows everything about you, takes care of you, if they cook a delicious meal, you will definitely taste it, they will take down your laundry when it rains, and give you medicine when you are sick.

My childhood was wonderful, full of playing with friends and books. My parents gave me maximum freedom; they never tried to limit me; always let me make my own decisions, with a condition that the responsibility for them was also on me. This affected my personality a lot. I acquired many necessary qualities and learned how to be independent.

My most memorable childhood memories are of my constructors. I would build cities, pretend to be the mayor, create currency, build roads, and dream of doing it in real life in the future.

From that age, I knew that I wanted to be a politician and I haven’t changed my mind since then.

“For me the idea of ideal space is when you no longer have the need to come out, where the sexuality and identity of a person is accepted like having curly hair, blue eyes or any other characteristics.”

Now I live in Tbilisi, with my mother. I study at The Georgian Institute of Public Affairs, at the Faculty of International Relations. In the beginning, I found Tbilisi’s locked door way of life comfortable. Neighbors couldn’t come inside without permission and more or less stayed out of my personal life. But I soon realized that I missed Batumi and that it had left its mark on me. 

School- a place where you lose your freedom   

Bad memories are related to school. Unfortunately, the Georgian school is of a Soviet legacy, where children are indoctrinated and standardized from day one. It’s like you lose your freedom; you are forbidden to ask questions and start believing that your opinion does not matter, as it is never the right one compared to the opinion of an adult. At school you are taught obedience; your existence is evaluated by a ten-point system.

Later, as a grown-up, you unwillingly start looking for an “adult”, who will replace your teachers and so you continue living in the shadow of others opinions. All of this affected me as well, but less so, I would say, as my mother always supported me and I felt safe while expressing my protest to useless rules. For the sake of objectivity, it should be said that there were bright spots in the school, who taught us critical thinking and things that made us grow personally, although such people are in the minority and their efforts cannot change the general situation.

“I was afraid that I would be the only one like that” 

My identity and sexuality started manifesting before I even knew these words existed. I liked a girl for a while in kindergarten. I talked about it a lot, and everyone knew it. Then I liked a guy, although I was not vocal about it, realizing that the people around me would not have the same reaction to it. As a child I didn’t know why this was happening and what repercussions it would have on my future. I just tried to take it as a given and show my affection towards him, so that others wouldn’t notice. 

“After coming out, my mother told me that my personal life is my business; that she loves me and will never give up on her son.”

After kindergarten, until I was a teenager, I didn’t return to this issue again – it was as if I put it on the shelf and decided to forget it, because I couldn’t understand its essence, the acceptable form to express it, I was scared that I was the only one who was like that. Back then it was not that traumatic, because as a child I didn’t make much of it. I couldn’t analyze it. Simply, from this point of view, I recall the behaviors of little Giorgi, which were probably dictated by the subconscious, and explain it like this.

“Self-identification and attempts at concealment”

The difficulties started in my teenage years, when I liked a boy again. By then I already knew that it was forbidden and not allowed. Therefore, I tried to find the cause of these feelings, a way to cure them. Until I accepted my identity at the age of 18, I tried to get rid of these feelings. I asked God for help. I made a decision to hide it many times, even from myself, but as I wrote in my coming out statement, identity is something that can not be suppressed, and even a small spark can reignite it. 

At some point I started reading articles about identity and sexuality. I saw people like me through television and slowly I overcame all the prejudices, fears, complexes and accepted myself.

“Coming Out is the most powerful action, a social and political act”

I’ve heard different positions regarding coming out, from community members. Including those, who asked me what was the purpose of my public coming out on Facebook, what good would it bring me. All positions have the right to exist. From my point of view, man is a social being and they have social needs such as love, friendship, respect, self-expression and all these are impossible if you have to hide something that defines your personality. Besides, it is impossible to completely hide your personal life; it is not something you do only behind closed doors or in the bedroom, so other people inevitably find out about it. So there is not much of a choice. 

You either come out on your terms, or, sooner or later, someone else will out you. I understand that everyone’s situation differs from one another, for some coming out is directly related to life risks, but as an event, coming out is the most powerful action, a social and political act that changes the existing reality for the better.

I first came out to my best friend, who also came out to me. It kind of ended up as a double coming out. Turns out we were both struggling with the same issues, and couldn’t even tell each other about it. It was a big relief. Emotionally, it’s not even comparable to a public coming out — the first one is completely different, at that time, you still think you’re doing something depraved and no one will understand you, so acceptance is more valuable.

I have not lost anyone because of my coming out, because I naturally removed people who I thought did not recognize me from my life and cut off emotional ties with them. Everyone else accepted and supported me, which is the most important thing, because it neutralized the traumas and complexes that society put on me in my childhood and adolescence.

My mother found out through social media, as I was not brave enough to tell her directly. I thought many times about how she would react. I knew she wouldn’t give up on me; she wouldn’t throw me out of the house, but I was afraid that she would say something homophobic, which would completely destroy my self-esteem and hope that I had built up over the years. But her reaction was surprisingly correct and ethical. We met up the next day and talked about it. She told me that she loves me; that my personal life is my business, and that she would never abandon her child.

“Any persecution strengthens the truth, and at the decisive moment it will be recognized by all. Us, queer people must keep fighting.”

Not much time has passed since my public coming out, so the reactions of relatives and neighbors are not yet known.  I know that my family members will also feel some discomfort, and this is the most traumatic part for me, because I am used to homophobia. But because now the pressure of society on the family will be especially heavy, and this is a new phase that I will have to go through with them. I do feel guilty about it, but I will not let this defeat me. We must disarm this weapon that homophobic society wields. 

Decision to stay in the country  

I know a lot of queers who left the country because of homophobia. I can not blame them, as the only person that you can demand to be a heroic fighter is you. My mother also brought up this subject, but I am not planning to emigrate. More than homophobes, I fear the feeling of weakness and defenselessness that will come with emigrating. I think patriotism is when you stay where you may not feel the best, but you don’t lose hope of contributing to the improvement of the situation. Besides, the sacrifices made are already so great, so many queer people have been killed, that my conscience does not allow me to leave.

Difficulties of queer relationships in Georgia

For queer people, relationships are an added trauma because it’s hard to build healthy relationships when you’re hiding and not being accepted. Plus, I have often notice complexes, fears, and traumas in myself and in other queer people, which hinder the ability to build healthy relationships that are acceptable for both sides.  Building relationships takes special effort for me because I have never had a healthy role model. I often can’t handle certain moments and I treat myself toxically. I think that heterosexual people also have this problem, because any social connection in Georgia is often unhealthy.

I want to go out on the street and shout about my bisexuality. Not because I want to arouse anyone’s interest, but because it should become something so ordinary that no one pays attention to me. For me the idea of ideal space is when you no longer have the need to come out, where the sexuality and identity of a person is accepted like having curly hair, blue eyes or any other characteristics.

“It is of the utmost importance that we show the political spectrum our electoral strength so that they are motivated to act to protect our rights. We are not few.”

In Georgia, society’s attitude towards the LGBTQ+ community has changed. This is thanks to all the organizations that have been increasing the visibility and acceptance of the topic over the years. Thanks to all those people who were not afraid to come out when it was even more difficult and dangerous. Thanks to their efforts, acceptance in society is slowly increasing.

“We must continue the fight”

I know very well how people who are in the process of self-discovery feel. My advice for them would be to never lose hope for a better future and fight for it. To understand that their life belongs to them and no one else, and nothing is more important than their own happiness. To use every chance and get a good education, because only this is the guarantee of their independence. To realize that if family members can not be chosen, friends can be, and they can find a space where they don’t have to hide — such small spaces help a person get through difficult times and wait for the moment when they will finally accept themselves, become independent enough that they no longer need to hide. .

Georgian queer activism is a force that no one and nothing can stop, because love cannot be a crime. Any persecution strengthens the truth, and at the decisive moment it will be recognized by all. Us, queer people must keep fighting. It is of the utmost importance that we show the political spectrum our electoral strength so that they are motivated to act to protect our rights. We are not few. The vote is anonymous, so it is possible to influence political life and change reality for the better even without the public coming out.

After 10 years, I see myself in Batumi, where I plan to start my professional career. On a pleasant sunny day, I leave work and go to the first Batumi Pride.

 

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I dream of leaving my mark on the world – Ela Jamagidze

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My name is Ela Jamagidze. I am a 25-year-old transgender woman and queer activist.

Childhood — discrimination in family and school

I was born in Tbilisi. Since childhood, I have felt that I was different from other boys my age because I was more sensitive, emotional and warm. This difference of mine was easily noticeable to the people around me, because I lived in such a gray society where everyone was similar to each other, and the appearance of a person different from the mass in such a society was quite noticeable. This difference of mine was not accepted positively by conservative society.

I was abused by family members, teachers, and my peers from an early age. Everyone I came in contact with told me that my behavior was not masculine enough and encouraged me to change. But I was never able to suppress the girl living within me, and despite all the efforts, I could never hide my identity. I had to go through a lot of pain because of this. 

“I lived with family members until I was 16 years old. I don’t remember a single happy moment from this life. I remember only negativity, pain, humiliation, underestimation, non-acceptance, and lack of understanding.”

My parents told me since I was a child that I had to either change or they would throw me out of the house and into the street, because I was shameful. My younger sister was also ashamed of me. We went to the same school, so she was also bullied because of my different behaviors and manners. She was told that her brother was a sissy. My little sister felt very depressed and ashamed. My parents told me that with my feminine behavior, I was ruining not only my future, but also my sister’s, because in our society, the stigma would extend not only to me, but also to family members.

My relatives thought I was just sick and needed treatment. That’s why my parents urged me to go to the doctor and have sexological treatment, in order to modify my behavior. 

I lived with family members until I was 16 years old. I don’t remember a single happy moment from this life. I remember only negativity, pain, humiliation, underestimation, non-acceptance, and lack of understanding. 

Coming out 

I knew what my identity was from early childhood. I knew that there were boys who liked other boys, but I didn’t consider myself as such. I wanted to be a girl. A beautiful, small, golden-haired, blue-eyed girl always lived in my subconscious, who always dictated how I should act, always pushed me to become like her, not only externally, but also internally, because she was perfect, innocent, kind, gentle and tender. I could not tell anyone about this. I could not reveal to anyone that another person was growing inside me, because no one had heard of it then. Neither did I know what “transgender” was, nor did anyone around me. So I kept it inside me. I created another fictional world inside myself and lived in that world as a girl.

“I encourage every queer person not to run away from their identity, because only by loving their true selves will they find the path to happiness.”

My difference was so obvious to everyone that there was no need for a verbal coming out. I started discussing this with my family after they discovered that I’d fallen in love with a man. I was 16 years old. For the first time in my life, I met a person who loved the girl inside me that others could not see. I was happy that I found the only person in the world who loved me for who I really was. I had secret meetings with him, but some people saw us together and told my family. I was forced to tell my parents that I was in love with a man.

As I reflect on my life before transitioning, I understand that I was unhappy. I didn’t want to look in the mirror because I didn’t recognize the image that was looking at me from the reflection. I was not able to sincerely love someone. I think I honestly couldn’t love anyone back then, including my family, because I hated myself. After discovering myself and creating a persona that was organic to me, I saw that there are people who can love me the way I love myself. That is why I encourage every queer person not to run away from their identity, because only by loving their true selves will they find the path to happiness.

Family- cutting off one child in the name of the other. 

 I received more aggression from my parents than from my relatives after coming out, so, at the age of 16 I was forced to leave my house. They told me that I brought shame on them and I could no longer live with them, as they had another child and didn’t want to cast a shadow on her future. 

In a way, I also felt guilty towards my family members, because of having a transgender child; obviously they were also bullied by society. The pain of my little sister, who was ashamed of me, was especially hard. I remember when I appeared on television for the first time at the age of 18 and spoke to a large audience about my identity as a woman, it really affected her. She didn’t even want to go to school because her classmates and teachers knew who I was.

“Most of all I miss the human connections, which I more or less had in Georgia. Despite a transphobic society, I was always able to find people who loved me the way I am. “

Even though I was more or less able to integrate into society and was never afraid to appear in crowded places during the day, and also often used public transport, I could not find a way to develop in my country. Being transgender in Georgia automatically means that you are cut off from getting education, creating a career, and most importantly, integrating into society. Although I ignore people’s negative attitudes towards me, I eventually left the country because I wanted to achieve something more than commercial sex work. In order to survive, I was actively engaged in such a line of work, which had caused me both physical and mental harm many times. 

Emigration and life in Belgium

Being an immigrant is not easy because you are surrounded by people you don’t know at all and they don’t know you. At such a time, a great sadness arises in a person’s heart, because you live in a society that does not persecute you, but, at the same time, you do not mean anything to them, and this society is not important to you either. You love no one and no one loves you, you just have business relations with each other and they often talk to you without even looking at you, because you are uninteresting to them.

Fortunately, I had the prospect of taking care of my education and career in Europe. I am going through this stage now, but deep down I feel that even if I do succeed, it will not be a success for my people. Everything I do, I do for a foreign community, for which I feel nothing emotionally, and they feel nothing for me. 

Gaining friends as an immigrant is not easy, because Europeans are so focused on business relationships that human relationships and feelings are pushed to the background. Most of all I miss the human connections, which I more or less had in Georgia. Despite a transphobic society, I was always able to find people, who loved me the way I am  

Living in Europe for 5 years made me feel like a normal person, who is no different from others. I couldn’t feel it in Georgia. There were people who liked me. And there were those who didn’t, but I was always considered special, and I always got different treatment. 

“As long as I see the sunrise, I realize that every next day can be a new opportunity and I must use it to find happiness.”

Being queer in Belgium means being an average, statistical citizen, who is no different from others. This attitude makes me feel safe, because here I do not fear being attacked for standing out, as in this society I am not considered as different.  

I actively monitor the homophobic and transphobic situation in Georgia through digital media, and unfortunately, I think that in the 5 years since I left Georgia, nothing has improved in this respect. This is most clearly demonstrated by the events of July 5. Therefore, I am very afraid to return to my homeland, because I know that I will face the same difficulties that I had 5 years ago – I will not have any other source of income except sex work, I will not have education and employment prospects, it will be difficult for me to rent an apartment and most importantly, I will be at risk of violent aggression when I go out on the street. 

Future plans

The faith and hope in inevitably finding my happiness strengthens me. Unfortunately, life is full of disappointments. When you struggle to create something and fail, you get negative emotions. I have also experienced this, but as long as I see the sunrise, I realize that every next day can be a new opportunity and I must use it to find happiness.

I am afraid to predict where or who I will be in 10 years. Although I am a very goal-oriented person and I try to plan each phase of life in advance, unpredictable events can always happen. For example, 5 or 10 years ago, I would not have imagined that I would be living in an European city, surrounded by completely different people, and that I would leave behind those, without whom I couldn’t even imagine my life. 

I dream of many things. I want to find my soulmate, someone who will never let me feel lonely. I also dream of leaving my mark on this world. I don’t want my life to be empty. I want to create something of value that will immortalize my persona in society. This is a very ambitious request, but I want it and I will try to take appropriate steps.

I would advise all queer people who are going through the process of self-determination right now, not to be afraid of their identities, not to give up on themselves for fear of mass aggression. If they accept and love themselves, they will be able to love others and will surely find those who will love them for who they are.

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Queer won an award in Media For Equality Contest

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Queer is the winner of the WECF Georgia (Women Engage for a Common Future — Georgia) Media For Equality contest 2022. Queer received first prize in the category of digital platform focused on women and gender issues. In the mentioned category the second prize went to Sapari and the third to- GrlzWave, respectively.  

WECF Georgia announced winners in five more categories:

Best central media product

  1. Tornike Mandaria — Tozu for Equality (Radio Tavisupleba);
  2. Ani Vashagashvili — Iranian women (Formula);
  3. Nino Bidzinashvili — Costs of menstruation: women’s invisible problem (Netgazeti).

Best regional media product

  1. Lela Dumbadze — Often, I can’t even reach the doctor’s office (Batumelebi);
  2. Manana Kveliashvili — Living somewhere and for others (Batumelebi);
  3. Tea Davadze – Generations’ message to women (Community Radio Marneuli).

Best visual work

  1. Aniki Gelashvili — series of illustrations: What does it mean to be a woman in Georgia?
  2. Nino Gogua — Documentary: Day and Night (Chai Khana);
  3. Sofo Aptsiauri — Tabatskouri — 2000 meters above sea level.

Best independent/individual content creator on social media

  1. Natia Gulisashvili;
  2. Elene Asatiani; 
  3. Mariam Nanobashvili. 

Best student journalism product

  1. Mariam Kvaratskelia;
  2. Nino (Eva) Artmelidze;
  3. Tamara Shermazanashvili.

Eka Kevanishvili was given an honorary award for her contribution to the developing of ethical media. 

Media for equality contest aims to “highlight the importance of ethical media, multimedia and social media platforms in building a gender-equal and inclusive society and thereby promote gender equality in Georgia” thus, annually selects the best authors and works created in the direction of empowering women and other vulnerable groups.

 

 

 

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Gvantsa Pertia- We mustn’t hide who we are

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I am Pertso, 21 years old, and I am very sociable- I think this is what describes me best. 

I study business at Free University, and work as a content architect at Bank Of Georgia. I have worked at numerous jobs before, I have been a lot of things and will be from now on, as well. But I really like my current job. I plan to stay in tech and digital fields.

“Rebellious” kid

You’d be surprised, but I had been gay since first grade. I don’t remember much from elementary school; what I do remember is sitting with the girls and discussing our crushes. When all the girls would name a boy, I would name a girl who was not in our squad, but I liked a lot. 

So I did know it at that time, but I didn’t know what the word “gay” was, or that there even was a term for this. Well, I didn’t even know this was something worth naming. I never considered my identity as a problem or as a deviation from the norm. It has always been like that. I don’t know how I managed to pull it off, but when I talked to my childhood friends about coming out, they answered that there was no need, that they knew everything. Turns out, it was always clear to me and my friends alike, they all knew it. 

I found out about the existence of the LGBTQI community on May 17, 2013. This was my first encounter with LGBTQI terminology. Yeah, it is pretty awful when you find your people, that you didn’t even know existed and here they are being attached. I remember it very clearly, I was sitting on a couch, waiting for a dentist to see me. They were showing scenes from that day on TV. I was shocked, I thought- “What the hell is going on? Why is this happening? What do these priests want?”. My mum was sitting next to me. I don’t remember what her answer was. She must have just brushed it off rudely, as she had no idea what was happening, and I doubt she had any position on the topic. This was the event that triggered a question: “So, if anything happened, they could beat me too?!”. I was 12 years old, very confused, also scared, but I wanted to go there so much. I didn’t know why, or to whom, but I remember being very determined to go there. 

“I think my mother is proud of me, even if she never tells me this. She likes who I am, but there’s no way she will ever admit to my queerness. “

My whole childhood was about survival. This one English word describes it the best, which in Georgian means being in a constant state of struggling to stay alive. I was a rebel- despite the obstacles. I always tried to adjust my surroundings to my liking. One of my mothers best decisions was to transfer me to Vekua, the physics-mathematics school in 6th grade. This opened a small window of freedom for me, where I did things my way, free from my mother, so that she could not find out, and even if she did, I would survive, as I would think of something before getting home. And it’s not like I did something outstanding. I just spent time hanging out with friends. We used to hang out at Smart supermarket or go to the taping of X-FACTOR- we did what our teenage heads would come up with. And that feeling of teenage fun and freedom was very cool, not being watched all the time. 

I said my childhood was survival, and I tried to spend the minimum amount of time at home. In 11th grade I got a summer job as a consultant at one of the supermarkets. I lived in Varketili and I purposefully looked for a job that was very far away. Imagine a 15 years old Pertso, who gets up at 6 every morning and goes to Nutsubidze third district. How was I not lazy to do this is what I think now, but my household clearly caused me great discomfort. 

I didn’t feel safe at all there. There were attempts at running away, cases of actually running away, then making ups, which were not real anyways, and so on. My years were always ringing with the phrase; ‘you must survive’. I don’t really love my childhood. My brain blocked a lot of it. Like, I don’t even remember it, but there were times where it all broke out. 

Recently I discovered that I sleep with my fists clenched, probably so that I am always ready to protect myself and run away. 

Coming out to my mother

When I came out to my mother, my father had already passed away. As a child, I realized that if I started talking about it, it would result in a fight, so I didn’t want to say anything. I kept thinking that what I do and who I have a crush on is none of my parents’ business. I am separate from them, with my own life and it is up to me what kind of decisions I make. Plus, I thought that she knew- it was as much evident back then as it is now, so I couldn’t fathom how she could not know. In general, I have such a strategy in my relationship with my mother that I talk about any topic from start to finish. I also tell her about my attitudes, about which there are usually objections.

“I can accept a homophobe for being homophobic and then make them accept me for being gay.”

During the protest regarding Namakhvali cascade, my friends went to support the movement. One of them had a pride armband, and what happened next will surprise no one, unfortunately. I was very upset that day, my psyche demanded I do something. I decided to put on an armband and walk around like that. I couldn’t wait for someone to tell me something about it… 

So I told her the whole story starting from Guram Kashia till Namakhvali protests. She looked at me and asked- and what does it have to do with you, why are you wearing it? I exploded, I replied as calmly as I could- I need it, cos I am a part of the queer community and I am expressing my solidarity. Is this the only question you have after this whole story?

I say as calmly as I could, cos in reality I yelled…

We had a very dangerous conversation. Both of us started screaming. It was crazy. It was very tense. In the middle of the argument I realized I had to neutralize the situation somehow, so I just threw a lot of terminology at her, then proceeded to explain the terminology and when she got really confused I just left the room and changed the topic. (wow, that was one way to come out, kudos to me!). 

I came out to my mother at least 5 more times after that. I keep thinking that she knows, but she ‘’doesn’t remember’’. Later I realized that her brain refuses to accept this info. I get it. I really do. She is old, she has gone through a different life; she has a different mentality… I really get it and I don’t get tired of explaining it over and over again. I hate hiding stuff or managing lies. I had to when I was a kid and I don’t want to do that anymore. That is why I hide nothing. She asks? I answer! 

I don’t live at home anymore. I moved separately and the less time we spend together, the better our relationship is. Now we want to talk to each other more often and sometimes I even miss her. She has not accepted me, but somehow she has. She knows, yet doesn’t admit it. I think she is proud of me, even if she never tells me that. She likes who I am, although she will never admit I am queer, with herself the most. She will never even mention it to others. She will never tell her friend or ask for advice. No one must know, is still her motto. Even though that is not me at all. I am here talking publicly and my mum still has the illusion that no one knows.

I’ve also grown, and now try to give her information in a different manner; maybe how I did it was not right. The fact that she knows I am gay and I have done nothing wrong taught her more, I think. Although she can’t fully accept it yet. She might never be able to do it, or speak publicly about it. But observing the progress of her development brings me so much joy, I don’t even exclude the possibility of her becoming more queer than I am. 

COMMUNICATION IS THE KEY

I didn’t mention me being social for no reason. I have changed people’s attitudes by communicating with them and I find it awesome. In my experience, this is what actually works. 

“We should not have to go through this. I should not care that I am gay, why do I have to explain that I do nothing wrong?!”

I can accept someone as a homophobe and then make them except me as gay. This summer I was driving my moped in Batumi and I stopped at Samtredia. I saw a man who was saying something incorrect to the gas station employee, so I intervened. He turned out to be a very sociable type, so we started talking. He took me to his hang out spot and introduced me to his friends. This is how I ended up with local homophobes in Samtredia. It of course led to them asking me if I was gay and I didn’t hide that I like girls. I didn’t just blur it out, they asked so I didn’t hide it or lie. We talked a loooot and now we are friends. I text him and we meet up every time I am in Samtredia. He’s still a homophobe, but his attitude has changed a lot, and it will get better after every visit. I really believe in Mixo and his European perspective. 

I know a lot of homophobic people around me who have no problem with me being gay. Maybe because I am very sociable and they just don’t know other queers. I’ve told them many times- when you look at me and think that I am a good person, I am sure there are other gay people around you; they are just scared to tell you because of your attitude. Let them come out, why does them being gay bother you?!  

Communication is the key —this phrase has been living in my head for years and kind of became my main belief. I really like that I can talk to and communicate with just about anyone. I will surely find something in common with them. Good things have come out of that. Even in Samtredia decreasing the level of homophobia in Mixo and his buddies. 

Visibility 

In my opinion, visibility is crucial. It has a domino effect. Visibility is contagious, as you can feel someone has your back. You are not alone. I have never hidden myself and that is my visibility politics. With this I am not pushing someone to be gat, no. Some people are simply gay; they are just scared to come out. Some have not accepted themselves and think that they are doing something wrong.  

Looking back to the past, I was lucky to have such a mindset; otherwise it would have been much harder for me. I am brave enough to be who I am. Not everyone can do that. This takes character, and also supportive surroundings. And even if our society is not like this, we try hard and we will inevitably change it. 

The biggest challenge lies with people over 50. They have never seen someone like you, and they don’t want to see you as well. And even if they see any news, only on social media through Russian propaganda, which tells them that you are a “pervert:. They believe everything and don’t even understand what “disinformation” is. They have never thought that this issue could be used for propaganda. But society is much more accepting nowadays. A new generation is coming, the world is evolving, and so are we, even if we do it much slower. We should not get discouraged. The situation is much better now than it was in 2013, and this is coming from someone who had explosives thrown at her on July 5th. 

“We were hiding in a hallway, and when we knocked on someone’s door saying ‘please let us in, they want to kill us’. They replied – get out of here or we will call them yourselves.”

Queer people are more visible nowadays, and it can be said that we are represented so we can live normal lives. We have celebrities who are gay and won’t/can’t come out. I look at how nice they are, so many people know and love them, but they’re still in their shells, mostly because they’re afraid. I am a bit strict on this topic, because I know I would not get scared. We should hide ourselves from no one and never, not even for anyone’s sake, especially when your words carry value; you have your audience, fans. But yeah, I understand everyone’s journey is different and I truly hope that one day they will all get to a point where they can no longer hide their true selves and give others strength.

Activism 

I’m involved in everything that worries me, – whether it’s supporting Ukraine, Georgia, anti-Georgian Dream movements, or LGBTQ communities. In general, what I identify with is wanting to help everyone. I often think I am oppressed; therefore, I want to support everyone who is oppressed.

My brain is like a problem solving machine. Every time I hear that something I didn’t like happened, I start thinking about what to do as a response; should I go to a protest action, text my friends and plan something, even if it is just spray painting graffiti… I think it is also a part of visibility politics, and when you don’t like something you should say it. When I see that I might be oppressed because of something in a certain space, I say out loud what I don’t like so that others don’t  have to go through the same thing.

Communication is also activism, and perhaps that’s what we queers should consider—anyone who cares and has the resources to do so. I also have moments when I run out of resources to be in activism, but the time will come again when it comes back – the main thing is not to stop.

The visions of the queer organizations operating in Georgia may differ from each other, however; I think that it is possible to reconcile all of this without harming each other. Together we will be much stronger — you may not agree with me, but that should not stop you from cooperating with me. We must work together to help others. 

July 5

We have been preparing for July 5 for a very long time. Back then I was an active member of the Shame Movement, so I was involved in organizing it from day one, when Tbilisi Pride came to us and offered to collaborate on pride week. The series of events started on June 1 and we were the happiest on June 4th. Everything was going great. 

I remember every detail of June 5. I had an exam at 10am. I finished it in 20 minutes and was very pleased with myself. I left Digomi and went to Rustaveli. I met a lot of “marshutkas’’ on the way. They were clearly filled with people brought from different parts of Georgia. When I got to Rustaveli, there was already a traffic jam, and the way to Freedom Square had already been closed. Turns out the counter action had started in front of the parliament. Our headquarters was behind the parliament, so I had to go there. 

We’d been preparing for so long that I couldn’t wait until July 5th. I got dressed up in pride shoes, socks, watch, phone case; I had pride pins and flag on my bag. I was very colorful, that is how I chose to express myself, and not for a second did I think that it could be dangerous. Anyways, that is how I dress already, why do I need so much stuff with pride plays if I don’t use them. Suddenly a man stuck his head out of a huge jeep and yelled: “you are going down today”. I approached the police car nearby and told them that a man in a car had just threatened me. I wanted the first case of homophobia towards me on that day to be punished. Police didn’t arrive for 40 minutes. It was impossible to identify the culprit, as he had left. 

“When I see that I might be oppressed because of something in a certain space, I say out loud what I don’t like so that others don’t  have to go through the same thing.”

I managed to get to the headquarters, by that time they had occupied the whole Rustaveli. I remember watching events happening outside on TV. We were anxious. Soon after our arrival we got a call and were told to run, as they had found out our location and were moving this way. It was horrible. Ana Subeliani and I went out to save her moped; it is when they saw us. Someone yelled that we were there and they ran towards us. Everything happened really fast after that. We rolled the moped into the hallway, and right after I locked the door Dato Kutaladze started breaking the glass windows with bare hands. We ran out through a backdoor. It was like a movie scene, as they chased up the street like rabid dogs, dressed in all black. We hid in a random hallway and knocked on someone’s door, begging to let us in, saying- please, let us in, they are trying to kill us. The reply was- get out, or I will call them myself. It was awful. 

I suddenly remembered that my moped, which I could barely afford to buy, was parked in front of the headquarters, covered in pride stickers. The thought of it being destroyed made me sick to my stomach. I took off all the pride accessories and headed that way. When I got there, I saw my friend, first I asked them how they got there safely, and then to help me get my moped out of there. My old moped was very bad, it would barely get started on normal days, but that day it took 20 minutes to get it going. 

While I was trying to start my moped, one of the orcs approached me and asked if I needed help. But he was checking me out with such suspicion, that I knew, he knew I wanted one of them. I don’t know how my brain managed to organize my actions, but I lowered my tone and answered- “no bro, the carburetor is broken so it struggles sometimes”. He didn’t expect such a lively answer, so he left me alone. As soon as I shook him off, the moped’s engine started and I drove off. I could finally breathe out. 

The state was clearly cooperating with the violent groups. Many facts lead to this conclusion. A representative of SSG (State Security Service Of Georgia) was present at all of our meetings, so they knew all about our whereabouts and where we were headed next. After headquarters, we ran to the UN office, and what happened there is both terribly traumatic and funny for me. We were in the UN office, discussing what to do. All of us were very nervous; after all there were more of us than just the shame movement and Tbilisi pride; other organizations and supporters were also present. As we were writing a statement to cancel the march,  we were told we had to leave as it was no longer safe there. 

Imagine you are at the United Nations and they tell you – “You are not safe here, you should leave”. It was terrible, I felt very weak and bitter. I don’t blame the UN for anything; on the contrary, I am very grateful that they sheltered us, even for those 40 minutes, we really needed it. It’s just that the orcs were already at the round garden and we were there too. Anh here it is the SSG trail, they found us at every location we went to. There was an incident at the UN office. Radio Tavisupleba’s journalist Tornike Mandaria was attacked and Giorgi Tabagari barely survived. The organizers of this attack were not punished. Running out of the UN office and angry, I shouted in the traffic jam at Heroes’ Square – “Even if I am alone, I will still walk, I will still walk and I will walk alone”. I remember that shot in my mind. I could see my reflection in the bus window and I remember people looking at me with surprised faces. Why did I have to run away? Just because I’m me?! Why should I run away? What have I done wrong to you?!

The third location had a bunker and there were about 30 of us in that bunker. At some point we went out to the yard to smoke a cigarette, which was followed by the sound of an explosion and smoke. Before we ran into the building, I felt something hit my stomach, lifted my shirt and saw blood. My first reaction was to scream, “Somebody take a picture of me for Twitter!” I thought that the only salvation was to reach the international community.

Image

After that, we changed the location again. A terrible thing happened at the third location, and in general, a lot of terrible things happened that day. In the end, I was so emotionally tired, I returned to headquarters, lay on the couch. I remember, I had no energy left, I was lost.

The next morning was completely hopeless. Then Japara made a video appeal and called on people to come out. Before the rally, it was raining and a big rainbow appeared – nothing much, but it was such a spark of hope for us that we were jumping, squealing, and happy. It was raining and we were all standing on the balcony because we could see rainbows. Then, just like before every rally, I took whistles, flags, everything we needed, and we went to parliament. That day, the police saw and felt the real face of the orcs – they were hitting them with sticks and throwing glass bottles filled with iron. Before all this reached us, they got to the policemen first. I think that day the police saw who we were and who stood on the other side.

July 6 gave us strength, but then it was July 11 when Lekso died. I remember that I couldn’t cry anymore. I also saw Lekso on the 5th; he was with us in the morning. As we ran out of headquarters, Lekso and Miranda were the last to come out. Lekso even said that they were journalists and they wouldn’t do anything to them…

July 5 left me with many phobias. Among them, the fact that when I don’t have a moped nearby, I get sick. I’m sure there will be many more that I haven’t figured out yet.

We should not have to go through this; we should live a different life. I shouldn’t have to worry about being gay. Why should I have to explain that I am doing nothing wrong?! I want us to do and create things that will help people and animals. Things that will make the world a better place, stuff like a TV remote control. Life would be easier if we were all focused on that, and not on who is sleeping with whom, and would anyone be worried about it by chance.

I just want us to be who we are and live as we want to, and no one should f**k our brains for that. 

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Queer Emigrant’s Diaries from New York

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ნიუ-იორკი

Mum and dad fought a lot. My father often refused to leave money for food; my mother would get in a fight with him to the extent of fainting, and I would be left behind to tend to her, more than once. Somewhere, in all of this, lurked my cowardly aunt and a problematic older brother. I knew I was alone from my early childhood. This feeling is like a black hole in my gut, the existence of which I feel constantly. No one has time for you, your thoughts are irrelevant, no one will come to help you, you must do as you are told, you are just a child, no one cares about our opinion. 

The obedience and the hysterical need to please everyone followed me to the playground; and thus I ended up at the bottom of the social ladder. My sexual identity doubled the amount of bullying. I didn’t even know what I was more ashamed of: my sexual identity, abusive father, good-for nothing mother, or the fact that I saw a savior in every man. 

TV saved me- turns out,  somewhere far away, in a place called New York, life is vibrant and full of “weirdos” like me. At least that is what I saw on MTV. As soon as the wave of fights passed, I would turn on the TV and dream of growing up, running away. 

Life would become just a bit brighter for a moment. While growing up, I discovered that you can make others love you, if you please act how they like: shut up and not act “girly” around your father, become the most compassionate child for your mother, don’t stand out to much at school and playground, yet mix a bit of yourself here and there, so you don’t end up miserable. Fighting and resisting is futile. 

I applied the same attitude to my work: obey the tyrannical types with zero resistance; be a poster boy for a more compassionate boss, and don’t agitate the rest. I turned out quite talented, so I began building my career. Successfully. 

I was “almost the leader” everywhere I went- talented, yet the second best. This should have been good enough for someone with my past. I should have been grateful, yet something was always missing. This emptiness always bothered me, this black hole, the feeling of being damaged. I didn’t know what it was. Now that I am so far from Georgia, i understand what that feeling was- I was never fully me: at home, I had to be exemplary and remarkable; I had to suppress my radical ideas at work; for my friends, I had to be needed; for my boyfriend- so interesting, understanding and unique that he would never leave me. For two years now, I can’t shake off the feeling that nothing in my previous life was real, as I was not the real me to anyone. 

Time changed everything: my parents passed away; my friends got married and hanging out with me became the last item on their to do lists; personal life built on fake premises didn’t work out; pandemic stopped work, so being “the second best”, and suppressing myself for others didn’t give me enough means to independently support myself. The dream that my efforts would make everything right; that my sexual identity would no longer matter; that I would be seen and accepted; that I would make everyone love me, died just like that. I was left all alone, so I bought the plane ticket. 

Today I am where the dream of survival began — in a distant city, where I have the right to marry and have children, where I often hear that I am very talented, interesting and handsome, where people are very surprised by my difficult character, my hesitation when sending CVs to jobs, my changing moods. People here can not understand why I still don’t have my own business, or why I lock myself in my room for days at a time, and what is stopping me from enjoying my life. 

Night after night, I lay on my bed, trying to find the strength to forgive myself and asking myself the same questions: Why didn’t I smash everything on my father’s head? Why didn’t I leave the good-for nothing mother, who forced her unfulfilled desires on me? Why did I put up with so many insults from those around me? Why did I sit around and consider other people’s opinions instead of getting involved in activism and fighting for my rights? Why did I spend so much time on my friends and not on myself?

I know that I would not have emerged as a victor, had I chosen to fight, but I would have gained self-respect, which is the basis for anyone’s healthy existence- Be who you are, uncompromisingly, unapologetically, through fighting, even through physical abuse, but rigidly, loudly, till the end, headstrong and proud. Because in the end, we still have to live with ourselves, and if you are not true to yourself, everything else was in vain. 

When my boyfriend introduces me to his friends, I am amazed to hear about their problems and I keep thinking: Is my hard past, my worldview and my previous life a trauma that I will overcome and go to bars and clubs so cheerfully laughing or complaining about stupid things? Or is it already a part of my personality, with which I can do something important and make the way easier for others?

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ECHR found a violation of the legal gender recognition of transgender men

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ECHR found a violation on the case of legal gender recognition of trans men. According to the statement published by the European Court, it has been established that Article 8 of the Convention has been violated and there is no need to review Articles 3 and 14 of the Convention.

According to GYLA, the position of the Government of Georgia was not clear to the European Court of Human Rights, according to which gender reassignment should be evaluated by “biological, physiological and/or anatomical criteria”, in the light of the fact that there are no legal definitions for this. The court pointed out that the use of these terms requires great care and precision, as each of them leads to different legal consequences. The European Court explained that, for example, if sex change is to be assessed by biological criteria, then it will never be possible to legally recognize/change gender, because genetic sex cannot be changed medically.

“The court emphasized that Article 8 of the European Convention on Human Rights obliges the state to provide fast, transparent and accessible procedures, through which changing the registered gender marker will be possible,” GYLA said.

Nikolo Ghviniashvili, who is one of the 3 transgender men, applied to the European Court in 2019, while two of the upper mentioned men – in 2017. The rights of Nikolo Ghviniashvili are represented by the Association of Young Lawyers of Georgia in cooperation with EHRAC, Women’s Initiatives Support Group (WISG) together with the European Human Rights Center (EHRAC) are representing A.D. and A.K.

According to GYLA, the court did not explain in detail what a fast, easy and accessible procedure should be, although it is explained in the policy document prepared by WISG, taking into account international standards, according to which:

“Expedited mechanism refers to a procedure that ensures the shortest possible interval from the filing of the application to the change of the record. The mechanism will be considered transparent if the law clearly regulates the procedure for changing the record of name and gender, including which agency interested persons should apply for. Accessibility of the procedure focuses on a more practical aspect and implies the elimination of barriers that may be related to a person’s health, age, limited ability. The issue of accessibility also refers to financial accessibility, which may not become a barrier for a trans person.”

According to GYLA, the European Court says: “the main problem in the present case is that it is completely unclear what the legal regime of sex/gender marker change is actually in Georgia. “At the same time, the court emphasized that the main problem is the unanswered question from the state and national courts: what are the necessary medical procedures for the legal recognition of gender.

The organization also says that the position of the Georgian government was not clear to the European Court of Human Rights, according to which sex change should be evaluated by “biological, physiological and/or anatomical criteria”, in the light of the fact that there are no legal definitions for this. The court pointed out that the use of these terms requires great care and precision, as each of them leads to different legal consequences.

Based on all of the above, the court concluded that “the absence of clear legal grounds leaves the decision-making bodies with wide discretionary powers, which creates the danger of arbitrary decisions when considering applications for legal recognition of gender”.

The Court unanimously found that the respondent State was obliged to pay the following amounts to the applicants as compensation within 3 months of the judgment’s entry into force: 2,000 EUR to all three applicants, plus any fees that may be charged, in terms of moral damages, and 9,812 EUR to the third applicant, in addition any charges which may be imposed, in terms of costs;

According to the lawsuit, despite the absence of relevant legal regulations, the state authorities consider performing a surgical operation as a prerequisite for changing the gender record, which violates the right of the applicant to respect for private life (Article 8 of the Convention) and prohibition of inhuman treatment (Article 3 of the Convention). Furthermore, such treatment puts transgender people in an unequal position with respect to other groups contrary to the requirements of Article 14 of the Convention.

As for another lawsuit at the Strasbourg court, which involved the banning of LGBTQI symbols in stadiums, the European Court said that the decision of the prosecution authorities not to open a criminal investigation in the case should have indicated to the plaintiffs that they should have applied to a civil law authority, which would be more suitable for consideration and satisfaction of  their claims.

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