People Think that It’s a Choice to be a Heterosexual or a Homosexual

I’m a 29-year-old woman, who, when looking back, cannot believe that she went through that path. I’ve only been able to come out to myself very recently and I’m still going through difficult processes. I’ve had some serious fights with my own self, but I couldn’t “cure” myself because there’s nothing to cure. I really didn’t want to be a part of the reality, in which I have to constantly hide my identity like a turtle inside its shell, to not be able to be happy about my love, to not be able to share the news concerning relationships with friends and family…

 

Want to know what I had to go through in order to accept myself? – a very long, painful and tiring path. I went to school in a region – during that period I didn’t have access or any information. When I realized that I was romantically interested in my friend, I thought that I was mentally ill and I couldn’t share my feelings with anyone. Just imagine, I didn’t know that other homosexual people existed, so I thought that I was insane. All of this resulted in a very complicated psychological state, so much that I attempted suicide. The only moment I remember from that period is a video by a Russian Band Tattoo in which girls kiss each other. This was the first time I thought – maybe I’m not the only one…

 

Then my friends decided to help me. No one knew what was wrong with me, so I ended up in a church – I wanted to be a nun. I found sanctuary in religion. However, wherever you go, you bring yourself with you… I spent around 4 years there and finally I left that place too. Mainly because not only did my existential crisis not get better, but, on the contrary, it got worse.

 

After that came the next stage – trying to have a relationship with boys. This was self-punishment. Nothing ever worked out and I was still being stubborn about it. You know what I find funny? The fact that people think it’s a choice to be either a heterosexual or a homosexual. You must really hate yourself in order to choose to be a sexual minority in this reality, under this much pressure.

 

Finally, I gave up on trying to have a relationship with anyone. I started selling second-hand books, I immersed myself in the world of books and music. However, with all this I only sheltered myself more and it only got harder to escape. It was kind of a comfort zone – I had a mask with which I tried to establish myself in my family and friend group. And I ended up being successful at it too.

 

Some time ago I managed to break out of my shell. I refused the chance to study and work abroad. I came back to Georgia in order to take down the walls I had built around me and to bring myself outside, and I did it.

 

Now, I’m at that period when you’re still standing in the ruins and don’t know where to go. There is some kind of inner inertia that forces me to not stop. I’m sure that that’s the power of love that always helps me, forces me to move and start over for the hundredth time.

 

Finally, I have one request – do more things in the regions.

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